Tuesdays are my biggest battle of the week. After spending four amazing days with Lily I have to kiss her goodbye knowing I will not see her for three days. I am grateful for the sadness I feel. I know that sounds crazy but I truly am. One year ago I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I would not even let myself feel that pain. Actually I stopped myself from feeling anything at all.
We woke up this morning and looked out the window and it was snowing, right then a feeling of panic came over me. Last year at this time was when I lost it. I gave up on myself and everything I had in my life. I felt like a horrible mother for the way I felt and the anxiety I had so I just gave up. There were times when I really believed with all my heart that she was better off without me. I had no faith in anything or anyone, especially myself. I was so angry, and I hated when anyone would call me out on my shit. I still cannot believe what I put my family through. I would drink and drink and hope that I was never going to wake up. The fact that I had those thoughts makes me sick to even think about. Life is not fair and it definitely isn't when you are doing everything in your power to make it more miserable then it already is. I am blown away by the love and support I have received in the last six months.
If you want something then go out and get it. I wanted a better life and once I finally got my butt into gear I made it happen. Yeah it is hard and its overwhelming but there is no better feeling then the feeling I have right now. I look back at my day and I can truly say I was honest today, I treated people with love, kindness, and respect, I made choices that are going to make it possible for me to continue on this path. In no way am I trying to claim that I am "all better" or perfect in any way but, I can say that today I was the best me that I could be. When I was first in treatment I remember someone saying that they were a grateful alcoholic and I could not understand why anyone would ever say that. Today I get it, because through this journey I am finding more and more about myself and I love me. It has been a very very long time since I could say that. And that is the biggest thing I am grateful for today. The fact that I love who I am is a miracle in itself compared to a year ago. I can now add that to my long list of things that sobriety has given back to me.