March 28, 2012

Facing feelings

Page 90

"We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic."

Basic Text, p. 30

While we were using, many of us were unable or unwilling to feel many emotions. If we were happy, we used to make us happier. If we were angry or depressed, we used to mask those feelings. In continuing this pattern throughout our active addiction, we became so emotionally confused that we weren't sure what normal emotions were anymore.

After being in recovery for some time, we find that the emotions we had suppressed suddenly begin to surface. We may find that we do not know how to identify our feelings. What we may be feeling as rage may only be frustration. What we perceive as suicidal depression may simply be sadness. These are the times when we need to seek the assistance of our sponsor or other members of NA. Going to a meeting and talking about what is happening in our lives can help us to face our feelings instead of running from them in fear.

Just for Today: I will not run from the uncomfortable emotions I may experience. I will use the support of my friends in recovery to help me face my emotions.

Copyright (c) 2012, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Monday, July 14, 2014


If you have stumbled onto my blog I invite you to please visit my new blog. I will be documenting the next year of my life and the transformation I am working on physically, emotionally, and spiritually.


I have been on the journey for one month so far and I am so excited for the next 11!!!!

Life is beautiful

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I  met Ambrosia the very first day that I went to Whittier Elementary. Ruth brought her to the reading room for an Early Steps reading session. I immediately felt a connection with her. She had a smile from ear to ear and she was so excited to learn. After she went back to her classroom Ruth explained to me that she was the lowest student in terms of her reading skills in the first grade. The next time I went I was able to sit in on another lesson with Ambrosia. Even after just one day she was already improving. She was starting to recognize her letters and sounds more clearly than even the day before. After she returned to class Ruth had informed me that the reason she was so low was because she had missed most of Kindergarten due to struggles in her home-life. It broke my heart hearing about what she had been going through .

I heard that one of the first grade teachers needed help in the classroom, so I volunteered for the position. When I walked in the classroom and saw Ambrosia sitting there with her two best friends I was so excited that I was going to be able to work with her some more. She was a little more outgoing in her classroom and it was really fun to see her with her friends. She was so sweet and so excited to learn. I spent the next couple months helping Cami in her first grade classroom. It was so much fun to see Ambrosia’s amazing improvement in such a short time. She was so full of life and so sweet and kind. Everyday when I would walk into the classroom she, along with a few others, would run up to me and give me great big hugs. I love when I walk into that classroom and the children greet me this way. It makes me feel like I am making a difference in their lives. 

I heard about the accident on Wednesday March 14th. I was just sick about the story on the news. A mother and daughter doing everything right trying to cross the street were hit by a car and they were both in critical condition and they did not expect the child to survive. It made me sick to my stomach because I could not imagine this happening to my niece who is the same age as Ambrosia when she passed away. The next day I was having dinner with my boyfriend and I brought up the story again, I could not shake the effect this news story had on me. I was emailing Cami the next day about when I was coming into the class and she emailed me back the horrible news. She had informed me that Ambrosia was the child who was hit by the car and that she had passed away the night before. I literally read and re read that email four or five times before I actually let it sink in. I immediately started bawling and I could not believe it was true. I had seen her just a couple days before and she was so full of life. My heart hurt so badly I did not know what to do. My heart hurt for her mother, her family, Cami, all of the children and staff and Whittier elementary. But, most of all my heart hurt for this beautiful little girl who’s life was wripped away from her because someone was in too big of a hurry to pay attention while she was driving. After crying for a few hours I started to feel so angry. I was angry because it wasn’t fair. I was angry because that person that was not paying attention just took Ambrosia’s life away. I didn’t really know how to deal with the feelings I was feeling. I contacted Cami and told her I would be in the classroom everyday the next week to help her. She emailed me back and let me know there was a candlelight vigil going on that evening at the site of the accident. I knew that I needed to go, and it was so heartbreaking. Seeing all the children from the classroom and all of her family was extremely hard. 

On Monday of the next week I was so nervous walking into the classroom. I knew that seeing the little faces of all of Ambrosia’s friends was going to be really hard. I just threw myself into the needs of the children. I answered their questions, we remembered Ambrosia and all of the wonderful things that she did. It was definitely a day of healing for me. I spent the rest of the week helping in the classroom. That weekend I attended the funeral services and said goodbye to Ambrosia. Seeing her tiny body affected me more than I could have ever imagined. She was just so little and so helpless, it made me feel so small and insignificant to this life. The services were beautiful and Cami gave an amazing talk. 

Honestly the number one thing I have learned from this whole experience is that you cannot take one day or one moment for granted in your life. I have to live each day as if it is my last, I have to play with my daughter when she wants to play. I have to hug and kiss her every chance I get. We are not promised tomorrow but, we can control how we spend our time today. There is no doubt in my mind now that I want to become a teacher. There is no doubt in my mind that Ambrosia came into my life for a reason. She taught me to never forget to tell all of your loved ones that you love them everyday. She taught me to NEVER text and drive and to ALWAYS pay attention while I am driving. She taught me to be a better and more attentive mom. She taught me how to live. I will never forget her and the impact she had on my life. Her smile will always remind me of what is really important in this life. 

            Thank you Ambrosia for letting me be apart of your life. Thank you for teaching me to to be patient, kind, and to never take anything for granted. You will be missed by so many people. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

"Found Love in A Hopeless Place" literally!

Yes it has finally happened.......IM IN LOVE !!!!!!!!! I was at a point a few months ago where I felt like I was never going to find someone.  Every tear and every heart break that I have gone through has been worth it because it led me to him. He is everything I have ever dreamed of, sometimes I literally pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. He is kind, funny, caring, funny, thoughtful, and romantic.  Looking back  two years ago at this time I can't believe how much my life has changed. I finally realized what I deserve in life and in turn I am receiving everything I deserve and more. More than I could have ever dreamed of.  It is insane to get back what I put into my relationship. He makes me feel special and loved every single day. Everyday I think "I couldn't love him more than I do right now" then it happens he smiles at me or says something funny and right then I realize I am going to keep falling in love with him every minute of everyday for the rest of my life. I am so excited for the adventures that we have ahead of us!!!!!!!

 Reading my last post in November I still can't believe how hopeless I felt. I really didn't think I was ever going to find anyone. The craziest thing is I am experiencing a type of love that I have never experienced before.  Yes I have been in love before, but this time is different. He loves me back the way that I love him. Today I feel so blessed and so grateful for all of the amazing things I have in my life. There is literally nothing I need or want that I don't already have. I am the luckiest gal in the world!!!!! 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"Go On"

There are those certain times of year that no matter how hard you try remind you of that certain someone. Certain smells, certain songs and places, but to me the hardest is hearing that song that no matter how much you try not to go back to that place in your life it takes you there without any hesitation. It doesn't matter how many days or years it has been that song will take me back to exactly how I felt. The sadness, the feeling of love and joy, the feeling of hopelessness, the feelings of  love still creeps up inside my chest.

How come no matter how long it has been there are those people that still can hold a place in your heart? With everything that I have been through you would think I would be able to forgive and forget. You would think I would be able to let go of certain things, certain people. There are just those times where I miss you. The times when all I can do is wonder why things didn't turn out the way we always dreamed they would. We had so many great ideas and so many places we were going to go. I pictured myself with only you, only going those places with you.  Now when I imagine those things and going to those places the face that I imagine the face is blurry. And I truly have been questioning lately if that face is ever going to be clear again....?

Friday, November 11, 2011


When I think about what experience’s I have had and what has impacted me the most the first thing I think about is taking care of Lorene and Hal. About a month after I got sober I started working for a Hospice company and I was so lucky because the first patient that I started taking care of changed my life forever. Her name was Lorene and she was as beautiful as her name. She was kind, and caring, and thoughtful. She was living with her daughter and son-in law and I can say without a doubt in my mind that they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. 
Lorene taught me so much about love and what is really important in life. The first time I met Hal I could not believe the love that they shared. It was the kind of love you only see a few times in your life. They had lived a wonderful life together and now they were at the point where they had to take care of each other and they both were always there for each other. 
I have always known that I want to be a nurse but, after taking care of Lorene her last six months of her life and taking care of Hal the last week of his life really made me realize that I know that is what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to be the one there for someone when they need it the most. I want to be the person who puts a smile on their face when they are having a hard day. Meeting Lorene really opened my eyes to so many things. She taught me so much and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and feel gratitude in my heart that I was lucky enough to know her. 

Lorene and I 

Tim, Cindee, Hal, and Lorenen
(Most Amazing People Ever!!!!)

The experience that I have had in regards to getting sober helps me when people in my life come to me when they are struggling. I know that I can’t fix anyone and I know that I can’t say or do anything to make someone change. What I do know is leading by example is the best way to do anything. The miracles that I have witnessed just within my own family since I got sober still blow me away. My dad just celebrated one year sobriety and my younger brother just got sixty days. In no way do I think that is has everything to do with me getting sober but, I know that having my dad here for me throughout this last year and half has been so AMAZING!!!  There have been times that I have wanted to give up and the thought of letting him down quickly change my train of thoughts. I have never been this happy and I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.