March 28, 2012

Facing feelings

Page 90

"We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic."

Basic Text, p. 30

While we were using, many of us were unable or unwilling to feel many emotions. If we were happy, we used to make us happier. If we were angry or depressed, we used to mask those feelings. In continuing this pattern throughout our active addiction, we became so emotionally confused that we weren't sure what normal emotions were anymore.

After being in recovery for some time, we find that the emotions we had suppressed suddenly begin to surface. We may find that we do not know how to identify our feelings. What we may be feeling as rage may only be frustration. What we perceive as suicidal depression may simply be sadness. These are the times when we need to seek the assistance of our sponsor or other members of NA. Going to a meeting and talking about what is happening in our lives can help us to face our feelings instead of running from them in fear.

Just for Today: I will not run from the uncomfortable emotions I may experience. I will use the support of my friends in recovery to help me face my emotions.

Copyright (c) 2012, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, October 7, 2008



Although most of you who check my blog already know my crazy news I have been given permission to announce it. The reason I was unable to before this was because Ry wanted to tell his mom before I wrote about it. Well here it goes....

About four weeks ago I decided to take a pregnancy test. Reasons for this.... I had been throwing up every day after every meal for oh about a month, very very very tender and sore boobs ( in Kendall's words buddies), I was an emotional wreck, and oh ya i was late for my period! I was at work and I was talking to my boss about the situation and she told me she had a test and she wanted me to take it as soon as we got home. So as soon as we went home she gave me the test and I went downstairs to take it. I wasn't even nervous, I really didn't think I was pregnant. As soon as the lines appeared I knew but I didn't have the box so I was not sure so I ran upstairs to ask my boss. With my very shaking hand I handed her the test, and her face did something I have never seen it do before. She told me it was positive and I didn't believe her so I jumped on my computer and googled EPT pregnancy test. And sure enough that little stick was reading  positive.  

The first thing I did was call my mom she was at the hospital with Kandice and Kandice answered the phone. I was freaking out to say the least. My mom was amazing she calmed me down (as much as she could) and then I called Kristi and told her. Kandice and Pax were still in the hospital and we were all trying to recover from that so this was a lot to swallow. I sat on the couch at work and my mind was going over a hundred miles per hour. I had so many questions running through my mind. What were we going to do? How were we going to save enough money? What was I going to do about work? I literally could not think straight for a couple hours. One thing I wasn't confused about is why I had been throwing up everything I put in my mouth for the past five weeks. 

I was lucky enough to be able to leave work to go talk to Ryan and tell him. It was driving me crazy and I knew I needed to tell him as soon as possible. He had the day off  which was a miracle in itself, so I drove to his apartment. On the way there I cried and cried trying to figure out how I was going to tell him his life was about to change forever. I wasn't nervous about his reaction or what he was going to say I was nervous about what he wasn't going to say. We sat down on his bed and I started crying and I told him. Being the amazing person he is he couldn't of reacted better. He made me feel so much better reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. Telling me how much he loved me and reassuring  me that we will get through this. 

Okay so there is the story about how I found out....Next came the worrying, oh my goodness the worrying. I started to worry about every thing you could ever think of.  I worried about things I didn't even know you could worry about. The thing that scared me the most was the cramps I had been having the week before. So every time I would feel anything in my stomach I would obsess about if it was a cramp or not. So after about a week of torture I decided to go to the ER and make sure everything was okay. Kristi came with me which helped me a lot because I was very nervous. 

One of the things that I was struggling with the most had nothing to do with me or my life. I never once thought what has happened to my life or anything like that. I was so upset because I have been dreaming of this time in my life since I was a little girl. I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids, loved taking care of them and making them happy. I had a very set plan in my head how this was going to happen for me. I wanted to be financially ready so that I could give my baby everything it needed and more. I wanted to be at a place in my life where I felt like I was ready to give everything I could give. I have always had health issues and I wanted to do everything I could to change that and be as healthy as I could be when I became pregnant. I wanted to know that I would be able to stay at home with my baby and spend those precious few years with him/her at home just us. I have always dreamed of my child birth,  I always knew I wanted to have my children natural. Knowing that all this wasn't going to happen the way I dreamed of it was tearing me up. 

My heart was beating out of my chest as I was lying in the hospital bed waiting for the doctor to start the ultrasound. I wasn't expecting to see much because I knew I was only five or six weeks along.  I was staring at the screen and all of a sudden I saw something that changed my life forever. I saw a tiny heartbeat, beating very rapid. (The picture above is the first picture I saw of my precious baby and I will cherish it forever) I couldn't believe that it was beating inside of me. Pregnancy has always been so interesting and amazing to me but now that it was happening to me I really felt like I was the first person in the world to ever experience this miracle.  I fell head over hills in love the moment I saw that tiny heart beating. Before this moment it had all felt like a dream and I didn't know when I was going to wake up.

 Right then I realized something. Even though this didn't happen the way I had it all mapped out in my head didn't mean I couldn't have the same experience I have always wanted. I had everything I needed to be able to do this. I had someone that I loved more than anything in this world. Someone who I would be proud to say was the father of my children. Someone I knew would always be here for me and always be here for our baby.   I know I have everything this baby could ever need. I have the most amazing supportive family, a wonderful job and great friends. But most of all this baby is going to have me. And I'm in total control of my body and my mind. I am going to do everything I can to be healthy and give this baby the best possible life I can give. I have never felt so important in my whole life, I have never been so excited and scared about something. I know that this is going to be one hell of a ride and I can't wait for every hill we have to climb because I know that we will climb it together. 

I am very excited to share this with everyone and now I get to write about all the happy, exciting, hard and very nerve racking times of being pregnant. 

Thank you mom for being the most amazing supportive person in this entire world.Thank you Kristi, Kandice, Jami, and Grandma for being here for me when I need you the most. I love you all so much and I am so excited to bring another bundle of joy into this wonderful family!!!!!!!

Most of all thank you Ry for everything! Thank you for making every day easier and always making me smile. You are the love of my life and I can't for this amazing adventure together. 


KrisFlower said...

Kate you are going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see you grow and change as a woman...I honestly believe everything happens for a reason and I'm so excited for you and Ryan...Ryan is a good person and he is going to be an excellent dad...I love you guys.

aunt Kristi

The Days said...

Katey you are going to be a fantastic mom! You are such a kind and caring person. You have such a great support system...great family and friends. I am so excited for you!

Kendalls Media said...

I love you, ry ry and my amazing new grand child. I believe children come when they are ready to be here not when the parents think they are ready! I have NO worries about you and ryan being excellent parents, my grand child and I are so lucky!


Mom :)