just...for...today...

March 28, 2012

Facing feelings

Page 90

"We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic."

Basic Text, p. 30

While we were using, many of us were unable or unwilling to feel many emotions. If we were happy, we used to make us happier. If we were angry or depressed, we used to mask those feelings. In continuing this pattern throughout our active addiction, we became so emotionally confused that we weren't sure what normal emotions were anymore.

After being in recovery for some time, we find that the emotions we had suppressed suddenly begin to surface. We may find that we do not know how to identify our feelings. What we may be feeling as rage may only be frustration. What we perceive as suicidal depression may simply be sadness. These are the times when we need to seek the assistance of our sponsor or other members of NA. Going to a meeting and talking about what is happening in our lives can help us to face our feelings instead of running from them in fear.

Just for Today: I will not run from the uncomfortable emotions I may experience. I will use the support of my friends in recovery to help me face my emotions.

Copyright (c) 2012, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

~LOVE~



"overlap" by Ani DiFranco

i search your profile
for a translation
i study the conversation
like a map
cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking,
no, i'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no,
i'm not done looking yet

i build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
i suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the background, i guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

i build each one of my days out of hope
and i give that hope your name
and i don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no, i'm not done looking yet

i search your profile for a translation
i study the conversation like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

My family has always joked around with me about how I fall so easy in love and I am a very passionate person. When I fall in love I fall very fast and I fall hard. Ever since I can remember I have been in a relationship, up until the about the last six months. Before I got sober I had no idea what it even meant that I could not be single. I could not be by myself, I now realize it was because I was to scared to have a relationship with myself. I hid from my problems my focusing all my attention on someone else and all of there problems instead of focusing on my own. 
Chimmy was my first true love. I have been truly in love only a couple times and to be completely honest I am still not completely over those people. I am not sure if I am not over the people or if I just miss that feeling of being in love. The first time I was in love I was with Chimmy and we were together for almost four years. I still think about him and often wonder "what if" we have been broke up for for almost three years and I still hear songs that remind me of him or I will see things and it reminds me of him. Our relationship was insanely up or down. We were either insanely happy or extredibly sad or mad. We never had a middle ground. Every relationship that I have been in since him I have compared that person to him or I have compared my feelings to how I felt when I was with him. I find great comfort in knowing that I am capable of feeling that kind of love. 

My heart was truly broken when we broke up. I thought that I was never going to find that kind of love again. And to be honest I don't know if I have found that kind of love since I have been with him. There are a couple other people that I feel like came close to how I felt with him. I learned so much about myself from our relationship and I learned a lot about love. I feel like I have come so far. When I think of that person I was when I was with him its crazy because I am so different now. The relationships that I have had in my life have definatley help shape who I am today. I am able to look back and see the things that I did wrong and right. I believe that being able to love yourself is the biggest factor in being able to love someone else. I know that I am a better person because I have the ability to love. I know that the different relationships I have been in have 
There are so many different kinds of love, the love I feel toward my family is different then the love I have for friends or for a lover. But, there is no love like the love I felt when I saw my baby girl for the first time. 


 


From that moment that my doctor put her on top of me I knew that I would never be the same. She looked up at me right into my eyes and I knew that I would do anything for the rest of my life to make sure she is happy and healthy. She is now almost two and half and the love that I feel for her today is even stronger than that first time that I saw her. My love for her grows every single day and I always feel like there is no way I could love her more than it happens. 
Becoming a mom has been one of the most life changing experiences I have been through. I was a nanny for a long time and I thought that I had it all figured out. When I had Lily I quickly realized I didn't have anything figured out. The love that I felt for her scared me and made me anxious and nervous.  Becoming a mom has changed the way I see the world and the way I deal with everyday struggles. I feel like I am more patient with my friends and family. I feel like I care more about the future because it is so important to me that Lily gets to grow up and have all of the things that I have been able to have. 

No comments: