Friends ~ 

I have the most amazing friends any girl could ask for. I have a group of girl friends that I have been friends with since elementary and junior high. Even though all of our lives have taken very different paths we stay in touch as much as possible. We can go weeks or even months without talking or seeing each other and then we do talk there is always that familiar voice on the other end of the phone.  I know that I have focused a lot on my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction but, it is a huge part of my life. I really found out who my true friends were after I got out of treatment. The friends that still wanted to hang out with me even though I wasn’t that fun crazy party girl anymore. The friends that called and asked how I was doing and came to see me, those are my real friends. All the people that claimed they were my friends when I was partying were no where to be seen after I got sober. I was really shocked by some of the people that decided our friendship wasn’t anything more than a social party thing. 

My mom told me once that my great grandma used to say “you can judge a person by the friends they have and the books they read,” if this is the case then I am in good shape! 

I am so grateful for all of my many beautiful friends that I have. They are always there for me and I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what. I wish I could see them more but, I know that sometimes life gets in the way. Lately I hardly have time to hang out with Lils let alone my friends. 

~Family~

~Family ~

Family is without a doubt the most important thing to me in my life. I would not be where I am at today without the loving support of everyone in my family. In my last post I talked a lot about checking myself into treatment and I would have never been able to have the strength to do that without my family. Talking about my family is a subject that I could spend hours and hours on, each one of my siblings has such a special place in my life. 

One of the most life changing things that has happened to me in regards to my family was the day I became an aunt. I never knew I could love someone else’s kid so much. The day my sister had my niece Kendall I felt like she was such a big part of me already. It was so hard because she was born early and I had never been so scared in my life. Seeing my sister go through what she did made me look at her in a whole different light. I saw how strong she was and I saw that she would have done anything to keep her baby safe. It was such an amazing thing to witness and I will remember that day for the rest of my life.  

Me, Kristi, and Kands at the Chili Party

Sisters 

I now have three nephews and two nieces. I never in a million years realized how much fun it would be to raise my own child with my sisters and their kids.  We do so many fun things together: we take the kids to the zoo, swimming, the Aviary, we hang out at my mom and dads a lot. This last summer we spent hours and hours at my grandmas pool. It was so much fun just hanging out with my sisters and my mom and grandma. I really tried to take in every moment and not take any of it for granted. 

Pax and Lils playing at the Aviary

Another thing that has really changed my life has been living with my grandparents this last year and a half. I feel like I am beyond lucky that I get to spend this time with them. I am so grateful that Lily has been able to get to know her great grandparents. That is one thing I have always wished I had, I wish I had memories with my great grandma. I feel like she is such a big part of who I am even though I never got to get to know her. I know that the things my grandma teaches me and my mom, I know it came from her and it was passed down from her mom and so on. 

Lily and my Grandma in front of the house last X-Mas

I did an assignment about a week ago where I had to interview someone over the age of 65 so I interviewed my grandma and my grandpa also answered some of the questions. We actually ended up sitting and talking for a couple hours about all the things they did as kids and how different things were back then. It was so much fun to hear their stories. It really made me think about doing stuff like that more often. I love hearing about the things they did for fun as kids. The thing I loved hearing about the most was my great grandmother. I loved hearing how she took care of my grandma when she was sick and all the special things she did for her as a kid. 

I know that having this experience living with my grandparents has changed me so much. It has made me more responsible for the things that I own. I have always been kind of sloppy with my clothes and things like that and living with them has really made me realize that you have to take care of your things because it really reflects who you are as a person. I want to teach Lily to take care of the things she owns and take care of her surroundings.  When the things in your life are unorganized around you it makes your life more unorganized. Even though it might seem like it doesn’t relate to each other I have really learned that it actually does. 

I feel like the trials and all of the amazing things I have done with my family has made me who I am today. I am more responsible, more loving, and more caring. My parents have taught me so much about love and being in a relationship. They have taught me that it is hard work but, every bit of it is worth it. I know that when I finally find “the one” I will work on that relationship every day and I will do what ever it takes to make it work. My family has made me a better citizen and they have taught me so much about being apart of a community. When I hang out with my sisters I love that we help with each others kids and no matter what we are always there for each other. I love knowing that they will always be there for me and I will always be there for them. 

I-Identity

"thirty two flavors" by Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying  that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

I know it might start to seem like a theme that I use Ani Difranco's lyrics, and yes it is true I LOVE HER! There have been so many times in my life where I am struggling and just listening to her lyrics and her songs can help me so much. This song has always been one of my favorites. I have always thought of myself as a person with many "flavors" if you will :) 

Here is the definition of Identity:

identity i·den·ti·ty (ī-děn'tĭ-tē) n.

1. The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by whichan individual is recognizable as a member of a group.
2. The distinct personality of an individual regarded as apersisting entity; individuality
   
   
   Before I got sober a year and a half ago I don't think I had a real idea of who I was or what I really wanted from life. It was like I was just drifting through, just getting by. Making the decision to check myself into treatment was the BEST decision I have ever made for myself, it was also one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I guess the decision was easy but the hard part was actually following through with that decision. Trying to figure out who I was before I got sober was an extremely daunting task. How was I supposed to know who I was when I could not stand being alone with myself. I had to drink or take pain pills to be able to be okay with who I was. I thought I was an honest and trustworthy person, I thought I was someone my daughter, my family, and my friends could count on. That was one of the hardest parts about getting sober, finally being in touch with reality. Realizing how unreliable I had become as a person. My own daughter couldn't even count on me. That was the lowest point of my entire life. Not being able to be there for Lily was the worst feeling I have ever felt. 
   During all the therapy I had to go through in treatment I thought I would never get over the feeling of shame and guilt that I felt. I thought I would never be able to forgive myself for the things that I had done. I would be lying if I said that I am completely over it because there are still days that I think about those times and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. But, knowing that I am doing everything I can to give Lily the best possible life helps a little. Knowing that I am making the right decisions today helps ease that pain and shame. I don't know if I will ever truly get over it completely and honestly I don't know if I really want to. I think that having that memory and remembering where I was over a year ago keeps me focused on what I want from this life. I know how easy it is to lose touch with who you are, so I am determined to keep doing the next right thing. 
   Going to treatment really forced me to take a look at who I was as a person, it gave me the opportunity to decide what kind of person I wanted to be. Treatment gave me the opportunity to start over in my life. Over this past year I have been able to become a person I am proud to be again. Not only can I say that I am proud of who I am I can say that I know who I am. I am someone that my family can count on. Lily will never have to wonder where I am or what I am doing because I will be right there next to her. 
   The assignment also asks us to say how these events changed how I am connected to my culture, my community, and society as a whole. 
   I definitely think that going to treatment and getting sober has made me actually become a person in my community of people that people can trust. I am actually a responsible citizen now. Well as responsible as a twenty five year old can get :)
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~LOVE~

"overlap" by Ani DiFranco

i search your profile
for a translation
i study the conversation
like a map
cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking,
no, i'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no,
i'm not done looking yet

i build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
i suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the background, i guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

i build each one of my days out of hope
and i give that hope your name
and i don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no, i'm not done looking yet

i search your profile for a translation
i study the conversation like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

My family has always joked around with me about how I fall so easy in love and I am a very passionate person. When I fall in love I fall very fast and I fall hard. Ever since I can remember I have been in a relationship, up until the about the last six months. Before I got sober I had no idea what it even meant that I could not be single. I could not be by myself, I now realize it was because I was to scared to have a relationship with myself. I hid from my problems my focusing all my attention on someone else and all of there problems instead of focusing on my own. 
Chimmy was my first true love. I have been truly in love only a couple times and to be completely honest I am still not completely over those people. I am not sure if I am not over the people or if I just miss that feeling of being in love. The first time I was in love I was with Chimmy and we were together for almost four years. I still think about him and often wonder "what if" we have been broke up for for almost three years and I still hear songs that remind me of him or I will see things and it reminds me of him. Our relationship was insanely up or down. We were either insanely happy or extredibly sad or mad. We never had a middle ground. Every relationship that I have been in since him I have compared that person to him or I have compared my feelings to how I felt when I was with him. I find great comfort in knowing that I am capable of feeling that kind of love. 

My heart was truly broken when we broke up. I thought that I was never going to find that kind of love again. And to be honest I don't know if I have found that kind of love since I have been with him. There are a couple other people that I feel like came close to how I felt with him. I learned so much about myself from our relationship and I learned a lot about love. I feel like I have come so far. When I think of that person I was when I was with him its crazy because I am so different now. The relationships that I have had in my life have definatley help shape who I am today. I am able to look back and see the things that I did wrong and right. I believe that being able to love yourself is the biggest factor in being able to love someone else. I know that I am a better person because I have the ability to love. I know that the different relationships I have been in have 

There are so many different kinds of love, the love I feel toward my family is different then the love I have for friends or for a lover. But, there is no love like the love I felt when I saw my baby girl for the first time. 

 

From that moment that my doctor put her on top of me I knew that I would never be the same. She looked up at me right into my eyes and I knew that I would do anything for the rest of my life to make sure she is happy and healthy. She is now almost two and half and the love that I feel for her today is even stronger than that first time that I saw her. My love for her grows every single day and I always feel like there is no way I could love her more than it happens. 
Becoming a mom has been one of the most life changing experiences I have been through. I was a nanny for a long time and I thought that I had it all figured out. When I had Lily I quickly realized I didn't have anything figured out. The love that I felt for her scared me and made me anxious and nervous.  Becoming a mom has changed the way I see the world and the way I deal with everyday struggles. I feel like I am more patient with my friends and family. I feel like I care more about the future because it is so important to me that Lily gets to grow up and have all of the things that I have been able to have. 

L.I.F.E.

I am working on a school project where I have to explain pivotal events in my life that help define where I am at in my life, where I came from, where I am now, and where I want to go. Part of the assignment is that we have do this is a creative way. I thought doing it on my blog would be a lot of fun and that is exactly what my blog is all about. It is about my life and all of the things I have been through and the impact that all of my experiences have had on my life.  I have decided to divide this up with 


L - Love
I  - Identity
F - Family/Friends
E - Experience


I will be posting about each one of these topics. Explaining how important events that have happened in my life in each one of these areas has played a part my life. I will explain the way they have affected me as a citizen, mom, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, and friend. 


For each one of these different topics I will chose a song or a poem that remind me of these different areas in my life. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I can hear a song and it can almost immediately take me back to how I felt at the time when I listened to it. Music to me is therapeutic.