Find Your Ness!!!!

"Go On"

2011-11-15T10:45:00.001-08:00

There are those certain times of year that no matter how hard you try remind you of that certain someone. Certain smells, certain songs and places, but to me the hardest is hearing that song that no matter how much you try not to go back to that place in your life it takes you there without any hesitation. It doesn't matter how many days or years it has been that song will take me back to exactly how I felt. The sadness, the feeling of love and joy, the feeling of hopelessness, the feelings of true love still creeps up inside my chest.

How come no matter how long it has been there are those people that still can hold a place in your heart? With everything that I have been through you would think I would be able to forgive and forget. You would think I would be able to let go of certain things, certain people. There are just those times where I miss you. The times when all I can do is wonder why things didn't turn out the way we always dreamed they would. We had so many great ideas and so many places we were going to go. I pictured myself with only you, only going those places with you. Now when I imagine those things and going to those places the face that I imagine the face is blurry. And I truly have been questioning lately if that face is ever going to be clear again....?

2011-11-12T00:55:00.001-08:00

If you are visiting my blog because you are in my Human Life Span class please scroll down to the first post which talks about Love the go up from there. Then you will be seeing the post in the correct order. I cannot figure out how to switch it so the first post I want you to read is at the top. I hope you enjoy!

Experience

2011-11-11T13:40:00.001-08:00

Experience~

When I think about what experience’s I have had and what has impacted me the most the first thing I think about is taking care of Lorene and Hal. About a month after I got sober I started working for a Hospice company and I was so lucky because the first patient that I started taking care of changed my life forever. Her name was Lorene and she was as beautiful as her name. She was kind, and caring, and thoughtful. She was living with her daughter and son-in law and I can say without a doubt in my mind that they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life.

Lorene taught me so much about love and what is really important in life. The first time I met Hal I could not believe the love that Lorene and him had. It was the kind of love you only see a few times in your life. They had lived a wonderful life together and now they were at the point where they had to take care of each other and they both were always there for each other.

I have always known that I want to be a nurse but, after taking care of Lorene her last six months of her life and taking care of Hal the last week of his life really made me realize that I know that is what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to be the one there for someone when they need it the most. I want to be the person who puts a smile on their face when they are having a hard day. Meeting Lorene really opened my eyes to so many things. She taught me so much and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and feel gratitude in my heart that I was lucky enough to know her.

Lorene and I

Tim, Cindee, Hal, and Lorenen

(Most Amazing People Ever!!!!)

The experience that I have had in regards to getting sober helps me when people in my life come to me when they are struggling. I know that I can’t fix anyone and I know that I can’t say or do anything to make someone change. What I do know is leading by example is the best way to do anything. The miracles that I have witnessed just within my own family since I got sober still blow me away. My dad just celebrated one year sobriety and my younger brother just got sixty days. In no way do I think that is has everything to do with me getting sober but, I know that having my dad here for me throughout this last year and half has been so AMAZING!!! There have been times that I have wanted to give up and the thought of letting him down quickly change my train of thoughts. I have never been this happy and I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.

2011-11-10T21:51:00.001-08:00

Friends ~

I have the most amazing friends any girl could ask for. I have a group of girl friends that I have been friends with since elementary and junior high. Even though all of our lives have taken very different paths we stay in touch as much as possible. We can go weeks or even months without talking or seeing each other and then we do talk there is always that familiar voice on the other end of the phone. I know that I have focused a lot on my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction but, it is a huge part of my life. I really found out who my true friends were after I got out of treatment. The friends that still wanted to hang out with me even though I wasn’t that fun crazy party girl anymore. The friends that called and asked how I was doing and came to see me, those are my real friends. All the people that claimed they were my friends when I was partying were no where to be seen after I got sober. I was really shocked by some of the people that decided our friendship wasn’t anything more than a social party thing.

My mom told me once that my great grandma used to say “you can judge a person by the friends they have and the books they read,” if this is the case then I am in good shape!

I am so grateful for all of my many beautiful friends that I have. They are always there for me and I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what. I wish I could see them more but, I know that sometimes life gets in the way. Lately I hardly have time to hang out with Lils let alone my friends.

~Family~

2011-11-10T21:33:00.001-08:00

~Family ~

Family is without a doubt the most important thing to me in my life. I would not be where I am at today without the loving support of everyone in my family. In my last post I talked a lot about checking myself into treatment and I would have never been able to have the strength to do that without my family. Talking about my family is a subject that I could spend hours and hours on, each one of my siblings has such a special place in my life.

One of the most life changing things that has happened to me in regards to my family was the day I became an aunt. I never knew I could love someone else’s kid so much. The day my sister had my niece Kendall I felt like she was such a big part of me already. It was so hard because she was born early and I had never been so scared in my life. Seeing my sister go through what she did made me look at her in a whole different light. I saw how strong she was and I saw that she would have done anything to keep her baby safe. It was such an amazing thing to witness and I will remember that day for the rest of my life.

Me, Kristi, and Kands at the Chili Party

Sisters

I now have three nephews and two nieces. I never in a million years realized how much fun it would be to raise my own child with my sisters and their kids. We do so many fun things together: we take the kids to the zoo, swimming, the Aviary, we hang out at my mom and dads a lot. This last summer we spent hours and hours at my grandmas pool. It was so much fun just hanging out with my sisters and my mom and grandma. I really tried to take in every moment and not take any of it for granted.

Pax and Lils playing at the Aviary

Another thing that has really changed my life has been living with my grandparents this last year and a half. I feel like I am beyond lucky that I get to spend this time with them. I am so grateful that Lily has been able to get to know her great grandparents. That is one thing I have always wished I had, I wish I had memories with my great grandma. I feel like she is such a big part of who I am even though I never got to get to know her. I know that the things my grandma teaches me and my mom, I know it came from her and it was passed down from her mom and so on.

Lily and my Grandma in front of the house last X-Mas

I did an assignment about a week ago where I had to interview someone over the age of 65 so I interviewed my grandma and my grandpa also answered some of the questions. We actually ended up sitting and talking for a couple hours about all the things they did as kids and how different things were back then. It was so much fun to hear their stories. It really made me think about doing stuff like that more often. I love hearing about the things they did for fun as kids. The thing I loved hearing about the most was my great grandmother. I loved hearing how she took care of my grandma when she was sick and all the special things she did for her as a kid.

I know that having this experience living with my grandparents has changed me so much. It has made me more responsible for the things that I own. I have always been kind of sloppy with my clothes and things like that and living with them has really made me realize that you have to take care of your things because it really reflects who you are as a person. I want to teach Lily to take care of the things she owns and take care of her surroundings. When the things in your life are unorganized around you it makes your life more unorganized. Even though it might seem like it doesn’t relate to each other I have really learned that it actually does.

I feel like the trials and all of the amazing things I have done with my family has made me who I am today. I am more responsible, more loving, and more caring. My parents have taught me so much about love and being in a relationship. They have taught me that it is hard work but, every bit of it is worth it. I know that when I finally find “the one” I will work on that relationship every day and I will do what ever it takes to make it work. My family has made me a better citizen and they have taught me so much about being apart of a community. When I hang out with my sisters I love that we help with each others kids and no matter what we are always there for each other. I love knowing that they will always be there for me and I will always be there for them.

I-Identity

2011-11-10T13:22:00.001-08:00

"thirty two flavors" by Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying  that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

I know it might start to seem like a theme that I use Ani Difranco's lyrics, and yes it is true I LOVE HER! There have been so many times in my life where I am struggling and just listening to her lyrics and her songs can help me so much. This song has always been one of my favorites. I have always thought of myself as a person with many "flavors" if you will :)

Here is the definition of Identity:

identity i·den·ti·ty (ī-děn'tĭ-tē) n.
The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by whichan individual is recognizable as a member of a group.
The distinct personality of an individual regarded as apersisting entity; individuality

Before I got sober a year and a half ago I don't think I had a real idea of who I was or what I really wanted from life. It was like I was just drifting through, just getting by. Making the decision to check myself into treatment was the BEST decision I have ever made for myself, it was also one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I guess the decision was easy but the hard part was actually following through with that decision. Trying to figure out who I was before I got sober was an extremely daunting task. How was I supposed to know who I was when I could not stand being alone with myself. I had to drink or take pain pills to be able to be okay with who I was. I thought I was an honest and trustworthy person, I thought I was someone my daughter, my family, and my friends could count on. That was one of the hardest parts about getting sober, finally being in touch with reality. Realizing how unreliable I had become as a person. My own daughter couldn't even count on me. That was the lowest point of my entire life. Not being able to be there for Lily was the worst feeling I have ever felt.
During all the therapy I had to go through in treatment I thought I would never get over the feeling of shame and guilt that I felt. I thought I would never be able to forgive myself for the things that I had done. I would be lying if I said that I am completely over it because there are still days that I think about those times and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. But, knowing that I am doing everything I can to give Lily the best possible life helps a little. Knowing that I am making the right decisions today helps ease that pain and shame. I don't know if I will ever truly get over it completely and honestly I don't know if I really want to. I think that having that memory and remembering where I was over a year ago keeps me focused on what I want from this life. I know how easy it is to lose touch with who you are, so I am determined to keep doing the next right thing.
Going to treatment really forced me to take a look at who I was as a person, it gave me the opportunity to decide what kind of person I wanted to be. Treatment gave me the opportunity to start over in my life. Over this past year I have been able to become a person I am proud to be again. Not only can I say that I am proud of who I am I can say that I know who I am. I am someone that my family can count on. Lily will never have to wonder where I am or what I am doing because I will be right there next to her.
The assignment also asks us to say how these events changed how I am connected to my culture, my community, and society as a whole.
I definitely think that going to treatment and getting sober has made me actually become a person in my community of people that people can trust. I am actually a responsible citizen now. Well as responsible as a twenty five year old can get :)

2011-11-09T21:20:00.000-08:00

~LOVE~

"overlap" by Ani DiFranco

i search your profile
for a translation
i study the conversation
like a map
cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking,
no, i'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no,
i'm not done looking yet

i build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
i suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the background, i guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

i build each one of my days out of hope
and i give that hope your name
and i don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no, i'm not done looking yet

i search your profile for a translation
i study the conversation like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

My family has always joked around with me about how I fall so easy in love and I am a very passionate person. When I fall in love I fall very fast and I fall hard. Ever since I can remember I have been in a relationship, up until the about the last six months. Before I got sober I had no idea what it even meant that I could not be single. I could not be by myself, I now realize it was because I was to scared to have a relationship with myself. I hid from my problems my focusing all my attention on someone else and all of there problems instead of focusing on my own. 
Chimmy was my first true love. I have been truly in love only a couple times and to be completely honest I am still not completely over those people. I am not sure if I am not over the people or if I just miss that feeling of being in love. The first time I was in love I was with Chimmy and we were together for almost four years. I still think about him and often wonder "what if" we have been broke up for for almost three years and I still hear songs that remind me of him or I will see things and it reminds me of him. Our relationship was insanely up or down. We were either insanely happy or extredibly sad or mad. We never had a middle ground. Every relationship that I have been in since him I have compared that person to him or I have compared my feelings to how I felt when I was with him. I find great comfort in knowing that I am capable of feeling that kind of love. 

My heart was truly broken when we broke up. I thought that I was never going to find that kind of love again. And to be honest I don't know if I have found that kind of love since I have been with him. There are a couple other people that I feel like came close to how I felt with him. I learned so much about myself from our relationship and I learned a lot about love. I feel like I have come so far. When I think of that person I was when I was with him its crazy because I am so different now. The relationships that I have had in my life have definatley help shape who I am today. I am able to look back and see the things that I did wrong and right. I believe that being able to love yourself is the biggest factor in being able to love someone else. I know that I am a better person because I have the ability to love. I know that the different relationships I have been in have

There are so many different kinds of love, the love I feel toward my family is different then the love I have for friends or for a lover. But, there is no love like the love I felt when I saw my baby girl for the first time.

From that moment that my doctor put her on top of me I knew that I would never be the same. She looked up at me right into my eyes and I knew that I would do anything for the rest of my life to make sure she is happy and healthy. She is now almost two and half and the love that I feel for her today is even stronger than that first time that I saw her. My love for her grows every single day and I always feel like there is no way I could love her more than it happens.
Becoming a mom has been one of the most life changing experiences I have been through. I was a nanny for a long time and I thought that I had it all figured out. When I had Lily I quickly realized I didn't have anything figured out. The love that I felt for her scared me and made me anxious and nervous. Becoming a mom has changed the way I see the world and the way I deal with everyday struggles. I feel like I am more patient with my friends and family. I feel like I care more about the future because it is so important to me that Lily gets to grow up and have all of the things that I have been able to have.

L.I.F.E.

2011-11-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

I am working on a school project where I have to explain pivotal events in my life that help define where I am at in my life, where I came from, where I am now, and where I want to go. Part of the assignment is that we have do this is a creative way. I thought doing it on my blog would be a lot of fun and that is exactly what my blog is all about. It is about my life and all of the things I have been through and the impact that all of my experiences have had on my life. I have decided to divide this up with

L - Love
I - Identity
F - Family/Friends
E - Experience

I will be posting about each one of these topics. Explaining how important events that have happened in my life in each one of these areas has played a part my life. I will explain the way they have affected me as a citizen, mom, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, and friend.

For each one of these different topics I will chose a song or a poem that remind me of these different areas in my life. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I can hear a song and it can almost immediately take me back to how I felt at the time when I listened to it. Music to me is therapeutic.

Best Cousins For LIfe !

2011-10-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

you made me laugh and feel secure

when i wasn't really sure

you held my hand and squoze so tight

and walked me through lives hardest fights

looking back all i can see, is you and me

we were the best of friends that friends could be

the memories i have will never fade

the memories i have i would never trade

walking through this life with you

made me who i am,so thank you !

Thank You Jord for being my best friend, our friendship

and love means more to me than you will ever know.

When I look back on our childhood I just think of me and you.

Playing pretend, laughing, and always being there for each other.

Please never forget what you mean to me. I love you so much!!!!

Love,

Kate

The Trappers

2011-06-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

I met this band about three months ago when they came into eat at Ginza (my place of business) before a show. They are all really fun people and I really enjoy their music. Check them out, go to http://thetrappersmusic.com/?page_id=17. Let me know what you think of them!

Enjoy :)

no mas dating para me

2011-03-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well lots has changed since my last post....I decided to take a chance and follow my heart and it turns out it was not the best decision for me to make.... I have been in many different types of relationships and I have gone through a lot in my life of dating but, I can honestly say this is the first time experiencing what I am right now. I took a chance and I was let down. I started falling in love with someone that doesn't feel the same way. It was so hard to say goodbye but, I know that I (and Lily) deserve so much more than just settling. It is hard because I really saw a future for us, and it is so hard just thinking how horribly off I was about our relationship. It is crazy how you think you know someone then all of sudden you feel like you have been spending all your time with a complete stranger. I have decided that dating sucks and I am going to focus all my time and energy on three things....Myself, Lily, and school! It is about time I take some time for myself. I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy and I never take the time to do what makes me happy.

On a happier note I have found a new passion that I am so excited about....BAKING....I know crazy, everyone keeps asking why I want to learn how to bake. And I don't really have an answer for them all I know is I love doing it and it makes me smile. I have decided to have the theme for Lily's second birthday be a jungle/circus theme and I am going to make a bunch of cupcakes that look like elephants, monkies, clowns. and lions...I bought the book "Hello Cupcake" and I am having so much fun exploring different teniques for doing things. I have always been scared of cooking and baking because I was so worried I wasn't good. Right now in my life I say "who cares, I am having fun" Here is my first attempt at the elephant cupcakes. I am so excited I am planning it over a month in advance :) Besides the fact that she deserves the best birthday any two year old has ever had !

......

2011-03-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

I miss my Lily Bee a lot today. I started working at Ginza again yesterday and my schedule isn't going to allow me to spend the quality time with her like I have been. I have an unsettling uneasy feeling and I'm scared. But, it did feel nice being around people again. I am falling in love and I'm scared to death because it's not just me who is falling this time......

I celebrated nine months of sobriety and that right there is a miracle. It is a miracle that I survived what I put my body through last year. I feel like I am still grieving many things that happened and I am still trying to let go of some of the people that came into my life and are no longer in it. I know that my life is better off without these people, that is why I am having a hard time figuring out why I am so sad about the loss of these relationships. I have never been good at letting go, I guess I am too busy holding on. It's like my mom always says, " its not the letting go that hurts, it is the holding on"

For now I will take another twenty four......

Today is my New Years.....

2011-01-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have been in a fog for the last few weeks. I was having a really hard time dealing with Lorene's state that she was in. It all started the week before Thanksgiving. I had been noticing a change in her, she wasn't talking to me as much, she didn't want to eat as much, and she seemed to be very unhappy and in a lot of pain. I knew that things were getting worse but, I never expected for it to happen so fast. I definitely did not expect it to be so hard on me. I knew how much she meant to me, but I had no idea how much it really was. She came into my life at a time when I was so lost. I was happy in my recovery but, something was missing. So I prayed and I prayed for my higher power to help me, to lead me to something that would help this lost feeling go away. My higher power listened to me and guided me to Lorene. We talked, we laughed, she gave me so much hope about my life. She was an angel and I believe with all my heart she was sent to me for a very important lesson in my life. She was the most beautiful example of love, passion, hope, and everything else that is good in this life. In the hardest time in her life she found a way to laugh and smile and enjoy what she still had. Not only have I been blessed with Lorene in my life I have also been blessed to become a part of her wonderful family. They let me in and made me feel so loved and so welcome. The day she passed away she was in my arms, and I will never forget the last time she told me she loved me. She taught me how to value my life and what I have. So today I am starting my new life with the new year.

Today I am going to get my life back. I have been so disorganized and my head has been in complete chaos. So today I am taking what I want. I am going to clean out my car, clean my room, do my laundry, and try Crossfit for the first time. I have been so happy with my recovery but, I have not been doing the small things that I know will help all the clutter in my mind. If I try to make my outside look like my inside then things will get better. This whole recovery thing is so hard, but I have never had so much hope in my life. I am going to "take it" (for any Dexter fans :) ) So watch out who knows what is going to happen now. I am ready to jump in and do what I need to be happy on the inside and the outside!!!!!!

Happy 6 Months to ME !!!!!!

2010-12-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

It is 1:30 AM and I could not wait to post because I am so excited. I plan on writing tomorrow or Sunday. I have so much to say and so many people to thank. I was pretty speechless in this video, I don't know why but I was. Thank you everyone for all your love and support. Come Back for the full version on my thoughts regarding my 6 months of sobriety. Which have been simply amazing! I love you all!!!! Good night and sleep tight!

After The Storm

2010-11-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

I have been on a Mumford and Sons kick for the past couple weeks and I love it! There is nothing better than discovering an artist or a band and falling completely in love with the music. Music has always been a big part of my life and when I think about different stages in my life I can remember what kind of music I was listening to at the time. So I wanted to share one of my favorite songs of theirs. Enjoy!

I was thinking about how lucky I am today. I used to be so scared when I was really happy because I just knew that my luck was going to run out and something terrible was going to happen. That was a big part of me going through PPD after I had Lily. I worried and stressed every minute of the day fearing something was going to happen to her. I used to think about the things I have seen other people in my life go through and I would also think to myself " if that happened to me I would never get through it" I have a different view on things now. I know a lot has to do with me getting older and looking at things in a different light.

I think when people think that bad things don't happen to certain people maybe they are not looking close enough. It could be that those "lucky people" just handle things better than you do. Maybe they have learned how to deal with things in a positive and healthy way. That is something I want to start focusing on. I want to be able to process and deal with the thins that happen to me in a healthy manner. I want to be able to teach Lily that life is hard sometimes and I mean really hard. But, there isn't anything you can't get through when you love and support and a good relationship with your higher power. That is going to be my goal for this month, really pay attention to how I am responding to situations and at the end of the day look back and see the good things I did and the not so good things. AA always talks about taking your inventory at the end of each day. When I was in treatment we did it every night and it really helps me stay aware of where I am at. Sometimes I really think I handled a situation well then I look back and I can always find something I could have done better.

It is so much fun being becoming more and more aware of who I am and what I am capable of. I challenge you to start doing this every night before bed and see what happens. It has really helped me a great deal. I better get some rest tomorrow is my day with the family. When I get done with aftercare we all hang out and do something fun with the kids. Tomorrow we are going to Discovery Gateway I am really excited!!!!

loving me....

2010-11-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Tuesdays are my biggest battle of the week. After spending four amazing days with Lily I have to kiss her goodbye knowing I will not see her for three days. I am grateful for the sadness I feel. I know that sounds crazy but I truly am. One year ago I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I would not even let myself feel that pain. Actually I stopped myself from feeling anything at all.

We woke up this morning and looked out the window and it was snowing, right then a feeling of panic came over me. Last year at this time was when I lost it. I gave up on myself and everything I had in my life. I felt like a horrible mother for the way I felt and the anxiety I had so I just gave up. There were times when I really believed with all my heart that she was better off without me. I had no faith in anything or anyone, especially myself. I was so angry, and I hated when anyone would call me out on my shit. I still cannot believe what I put my family through. I would drink and drink and hope that I was never going to wake up. The fact that I had those thoughts makes me sick to even think about. Life is not fair and it definitely isn't when you are doing everything in your power to make it more miserable then it already is. I am blown away by the love and support I have received in the last six months.

If you want something then go out and get it. I wanted a better life and once I finally got my butt into gear I made it happen. Yeah it is hard and its overwhelming but there is no better feeling then the feeling I have right now. I look back at my day and I can truly say I was honest today, I treated people with love, kindness, and respect, I made choices that are going to make it possible for me to continue on this path. In no way am I trying to claim that I am "all better" or perfect in any way but, I can say that today I was the best me that I could be. When I was first in treatment I remember someone saying that they were a grateful alcoholic and I could not understand why anyone would ever say that. Today I get it, because through this journey I am finding more and more about myself and I love me. It has been a very very long time since I could say that. And that is the biggest thing I am grateful for today. The fact that I love who I am is a miracle in itself compared to a year ago. I can now add that to my long list of things that sobriety has given back to me.

Day 154....!!!!

2010-11-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my five month mark on my road to recovery. I look at my life and I think about what was different yesterday then day one or day or ninety. There is one thing that stands out the most for me and that is the feeling of this new found freedom I have. Lets see day one I was a prisonor in my own mind and body. Day thirty I was scared I felt trapped still. Day ninety I felt as though someone had lifted that weight off my shoulders. And today I am so full of gratitude that I might burst. And at 154 days I can honestly say that I have never felt so free in my life. Sobriety has given me something I was never willing to give myself. Freedom from all the things I let control my life. The alcohol, the drugs, my negative thinking, my hopelessness, my self doubt, and the biggest one my addict.

This was me a year ago. Broken down, pale skin dark circles under my eyes. I have no words to describe the sadness I feel when I look at this picture of me. I was so sick and I felt so weak and so hopeless. I lived my life everyday trying to escape myself. I would go to any lengths to not feel. I hated myself because I did not feel good enough for anything. The weirdest thing about it is I was so sick I actually thought my life was good. Obviously I was sad and depressed sometimes but I had literally convinced myself that the choices I was making were good and it was what I deserved and what I needed to be happy. Oh my its 8:20 and I must get off to work now. I will be back later tonight after work to finish my thoughts on my life in recovery as of today...Thank you everyone that supports me and I want to remind anyone who reads my blog and has questions or comments please don't be shy.

i must be doing something right.....

2010-10-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

October 20, 2010

Today was one of those days that is leaving me speechless. If i was to describe the feelings I have about today you would think i was full of it for sure. you might think i am overcompensating or just being cheesy. but I don't care because I know my own truth. I shared something with Kristi (my oldest sister) that I will never forget. We danced today with our children at our feet on grandmas kitchen floor. I realized something about myself that was so refreshing.

October 29, 2010
On Tuesday after Ryan took Lily home I was beyond myself. I was sick to my stomach I was anxious and so sad. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep. After sitting for a while in my self pity I decided that I have to learn how to deal with not being with her. I have to learn how to be okay when I do not have her. So I grabbed my iPod and speakers went in the basement, turned off all the lights and danced! I danced by myself for over an hour. I could feel every inch of my body when I would move. It was so amazing to be so present in that moment. I realized that I have to learn how to dance without her. I have to be okay with it just being me. As she grows up I want her to know that it is okay to be alone. I want to discover myself so that I will know exactly who I am .

100910-15:21

2010-10-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and picked up a book. I don't remember the last time I did that. I read for about four hours today, and without even realizing it I was sitting in my room, on my bed, ALONE, and I was okay with it just being me. For those who know me know that the last thing I like is to be alone. I will go to any length to not be alone. I have always known this about myself. I have jumped from relationship to relationship. Friends, boyfriends, co-workers. Shitty as it is sometimes this new path I am taking in my life is forcing me to get to know who I am. When I think about "WHO I AM " I realize I have no f'n idea! All I want to do today is look at pictures, sit at my computer, listen to music and avoid the list of things I HAVE to get done today. I have been slacking on reading my "Just For Today" and today when I read what today's meditation is I knew it exactly what I needed to read. For once in my life I am going to make my house in order!

Happy 90 Days To Me !!!!!!!!! "I RULE"

2010-09-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

I also want to thank everyone who reads my blog and leave comments. It is so nice to know that someone is hearing what I have to say. I am the luckiest gal in the whole world. I never ever thought life could be this good, and the craziest thing is it is getting better every day. I just want to say that if there is anyone out there that reads my blog and is suffering from addiction I am always here if you need someone to talk to, send me a message and I would love to hear from you.

~kendall~

2010-08-12T00:22:00.001-07:00

thinking...hoping...praying

i borrowed your hand tonight

i placed your palm in mine

i wrapped my other hand around your wrist

to see if i could find

something deep down inside me

hope i have lost along the way

unable to reach it

searching every single day

i borrowed your hand tonight

thinking she might see my hand in yours

hoping she could guide me

praying she knows what is right

my hands are lost inside yours

until she grabs on tight

she wraps her hands around us

and suddenly there is light

katey blanche kendall

8.12.2010

road....

2010-08-01T16:34:00.001-07:00

I see myself standing at the end of a paved road. My clothes are torn and my face is covered in dirt. This is a road in the middle of no where, all that is surrounding me is sand below me and the sky above. The sun is shining down on me. I can feel the warmth it is giving me. I stand weak, tired, angry, scared, and alone. I look back and I can see the road I just walked on. I know what I did to get where I stand today. I can see it very clearly it is right in front of me. There are many holes on the road, large gaping holes. I never once was able to go around or jump over these holes. Every time I tripped and I fell. The more tired and lonely I became made it harder and harder to get up each time a fell. I'm standing at at the end of this road and I don't have a choice if I want to go left or right because this road has came to end. I am unsure what this means, I keep looking back wanting to go back to what I know. Things are a lot less scary when you know what is going to happen. The best part about it was I never had to mentally be there to face the consequences of what I had done. I'm looking around me wondering how I am going to figure out which way to go. The road I was on I had built myself with a toolbox that had the power to make me not feel anything. I built it everyday with the negative thoughts I allowed to turn into actions. It is much scarier building now that I have started on this new road. Although I do have an amazing tool box, I am scared that I am going to pick the wrong tool and end up back on the same road I was on. Every turn is up to me. There will be bumps in the road and I have the confidence to say that I know I am never going to fall in a whole without the tools I need to get out.

Hi, My Name is Katey.....

2010-07-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I am so scared of. I guess I am scared of failure, I'm scared I am going to make the same mistakes that I have made my whole life. What if I slip, what if one thought turns into an action? I know this is now my life, and will be for the rest of my life. I will live everyday with this addiction. I will wake up with it every morning and go to bed with it every night. Those who know me, know that my addictions started long before I took my first drink or tried my first drug.

Under this tired, scared, and anxious twenty -three year old there is a little girl. A young girl who is scared, anxious, lonely, and very lost. My whole life I have been trying to figure out why I have this hopeless feeling . I felt like I had done everything in my power to make this feeling go away. But, as I grew older the feeling grew like a monster, slowly taking over me. Every decision I have made in my life has been feeding this monster. How does a child even comprehend what they are feeling let alone process these emotions in a positive way. I believe there are those people. The reason I believe that is because there are people that are emotionally healthy and stable. There are people who don't have to go to psychiatrist or a treatment center. In my experience I have found that most people who suffer from the disease of addiction ( I am referring to ANY addiction ) have some unresolved issues from their childhood.

I spent a long time trying to hide from myself. When I looked at myself I never liked what I saw. As I grew older I found different ways to deal with my low self esteem. The most evident thing I did was take care of everyone and their problems so I didn't have to focus on the monster growing inside me. Like I said before I felt like I had tried everything to make this terrible feeling disappear and I believe with all my heart I did try everything BUT, actually deal with that feeling. Until I was forced to take a fearless moral inventory of myself, I was clueless to who I was and who I had become. Two months ago my life was forever changed. For the first time I am really on the path to discover "My Ness" and I will be honest with you. I am pretty much one million times more awesome than I could have ever dreamed. I am going to start writing everyday, I want to write about my new life in recovery. But,

First let me introduce myself...

Hi my name is Katey I am a proud alcoholic and addict. Today I woke up sober and there is nothing else in this world that is more important to me.

I am so excited to share my experience, strength and hope with who ever is willing to listen!

Haystack My first day

2010-07-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

OVER-WHELMED....

2010-04-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, is it because Lils is almost one? Is it because I feel like a failure as a mother because I feel like I can't even support my own daughter. Is it because I am more than tired of feeling like crap physically and mentally?

I don't know but, today, today is hard.....I am trying so so hard to look on the bright side and think about EVERYTHING that I am grateful for...

Family
Lily
Friends
Work
Co-workers
Family
LILY!
Ryan
Gaylin
Boyd
Lily's Health
My MOM
SISTERS
GRANDMA
JAMES
DAD

I could go on for hours....So why do I feel this way....? When I don't have her the only thing that gets me through the day is watching videos of her...Like this one....Breakfast at gwamma and gwampas....

XPOSE Photography !!!!

2010-04-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to be apart of the planning for the amazing events that are going on at my work this month. Here are a few of the promotions that we are offering. I am so excited for each one of them and if you want to be apart of it let me know :)

Hawaii~
***PHOTOSHOOT GETAWAY IN HAWAII!!***
8 Days Shooting in Gorgeous Maui!
Type:
Trips - Group Trip
Start Time:
Saturday, May 8, 2010 at 12:00am
End Time:
Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 11:00pm
Location:
Makena Beach and Golf Resort
Street:
5415 Makena Alanui Makena
Description
Want to wow clients with your modeling portfolio? Set your book apart with beachfront photos taken in BEAUTIFUL MAUI, HAWAII!!

After full hair, makeup and styling, pose in up to 7 on-location shoots with XPOSE's industry-respected photographers. In your off-time, see the sights and relax; then get some beauty sleep in your oceanview room at the world-class Makena Beach and Golf Resort. Invite your friends and make a vacation out of it!

The first 15 people to book get to shoot with renowned fashion photographer Rebekah Smith!

MAY 8 - 16, 2010

A photoshoot experience like this can launch a career, and we assure you you'll NEVER find one as affordable as this!

Call XPOSE to reserve your spot today!
801-290-2893

**$2,000 sitting fee includes:
-Up to 7 photoshoots with XPOSE's industry-recommended photographers
-All-inclusive hair / makeup / styling
-8 nights' stay in an ocean-view room at the Makena Beach and Golf Resort
-Transportation to photoshoots

Payment Plans Available

SALT FLAT SHOOT!
Type:
Trips - Daytrip
Date:
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Time:
1:00pm - 7:00pm
Location:
Salt Flats, UT
Description
Due to popular demand, XPOSE is bringing back their famous SALT FLATS SHOOT!

XPOSE only does three SALT FLATS SHOOTS a year, so book now because they WILL sell out.

**For all ages and genders**

$399.99 includes:

*All You Can Shoot on an Exotic Landscape
* Unlimited Looks
* Professional Hair & Makeup
* Luxury RV
* Makeup and Changing Vans
* Catered lunch and beverages

Models will leave XPOSE's Studio (435 W. 400 South in SLC) at 1 p.m. and return after dark

This shoot WILL sell out, as XPOSE is advertising this across the country.

BOOK WITH KATEY BY CALLING 801.290.2893 or EMAILING KATEY@XPOSELLC.COM

Official BUD GIRL Search!
Type:
Music/Arts - Audition
Start Time:
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 10:35pm
End Time:
Wednesday, May 5, 2010 at 1:35am
Location:
XPOSE Photography
Street:
435 W. 400 South, suite 101
City/Town:
Salt Lake City, UT
View Map
Description
Are you the next Budweiser girl?

Utah’s hottest modeling studio XPOSE Photography is giving you a chance at the title with the 2010 official Bud Girl model search. Ladies 21 and up can apply in person now at 435 W. 400 South in Salt Lake for their chance to win a spot on the official Bud Girl team. But that’s not all, the most qualified vixen wins $8,500 in cash and prizes including a $3,000 modeling portfolio from XPOSE and a modeling contract with Utah's top agency Urban Talent.

For more details call Me :)

Life

2010-03-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

Well,

It has been a rough couple of months to say the least. But, I just want to take the time to say thank you to everyone in my family and all my friends who have been here for me. I finally feel like myself again. I guess you could say I'm getting my KateyNess back....It's not back completely but its getting so close.

I also want to send my love and prayers to the Anderson family.

CandyMan ~ I love you and thank you for being so amazing to my family. You will be loved, missed, and never forgotten!

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!!!!!

2010-03-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Xpose's Twitter Page

Xpose's Facebook Page

Xpose's Homepage

My Twitter Page

My Facebook Page

Check out what I am up to these days.....Oh did I mention I LOVE MY NEW JOB!

Me....

2010-02-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

Thank you, http://www.kendallsmedia.com/..... I had a blast at the shoot!

Boudoir Studio by Kendalls Media

2010-01-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

Hey ladies,

Check this out ....

Message me if you are interested, V-Day is coming up..Just sayin! Shhhhhh :)
http://www.lovelettersonlunchnapkins.blogspot.com/

Ever since I moved away from Bountiful I have missed the time with my family so much. Julianne and I went to Kristi's dressed up, did our makeup, took silly pictures and had a blast. I will remember this for the rest of my life. Thank you Kristi, Kandice, Julianne, and Elian for a great night of just being GIRLS :)

Happy 2010 Everyone!!!

2010-01-01T09:01:00.000-08:00

Last night was so much fun! Lily, my mom, my dad, and I just hung out and danced at the cabin. There is nothing I would have rather been doing last night then exactly what I was. I am so grateful and blessed to have such amazing parents. Here is a little video of last night. Lighting sucks as well as my voice( or lack there of ) but, its cute!! Happy New Years Everyone!!!!!!

My mom also bought Lily her very first Valentines cards. She loves them, they came with really cute tattoos so I plan on giving her a sleeve later on today :)

DAY 196

2009-11-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

She loves Rolls like her momma !

We had a sleep over at grandma and grandpas last night. It was so much fun! Although she was mad she wanted to be in her own bed. I have missed my mom and dad so much, it was so nice to just hang out with them :)

Today we are going to do Lily's six month photos so stay continued for the results....Ps go vote for Kendalls Media contest ends today!

DAY 195

2009-11-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

Just a little moment to show cute she is when she is tired. I tried to get her to smile but she was like "come on mom, I so tired " Man She is too cute!!!!!!!!!!

Kendalls Media

2009-11-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

Help everyone, it's a very close race we are in second its over today!!! Please help...VOTE VOTE VOTE !!!!!

"I'm super excited because I've put a lot of time into our website and I'm happy that Photobiz picked us as one of the finalist for best background...VOTE for Kendalls Media over at Photobiz for best background click HERE...

DAY 194

2009-11-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

No matter how many toys are in the room she is drawn to the ONE thing that she should not have.....She is getting so fast!

DAY 193

2009-11-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

My new goal is to capture at least thirty seconds of her every day. Every second is worth so much and I don't want to miss a thing.... Hope you like the new addition every day !

We have been saying slowly "I Love Youuuuu!" since the day she was born...Sometimes she really tries to say it with us. Sorry I know I brag about how smart she is but, wouldn't you :) She just brings me so much happiness!

To The Greatest Family In the WORLD!!!!

2009-11-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

Lost Lyrics

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…

THANK YOU for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not giving up. I know you feel like I'm lost but, I promise I'm RIGHT HERE and I can't wait for you to see ME again. I love you all more than words could ever express. Thank you!!! I love you all and I PROMISE you are going to see. I promise!

Kendalls Media

2009-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Great Job Kris!!!!! I love you so much and I am so proud of everything you have done!

"I'm super excited because I've put a lot of time into our website and I'm happy that Photobiz picked us as one of the finalist for best background....click HERE to vote for Kendalls Media..."

Posted by KrisFlower at 3:02 PM

WE Miss You!!!!

2009-11-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Lily meet Lily

2009-11-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

She cracks me up!

It's Fall !

2009-10-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Caution: Do not let small children read this! But I laughed my butt off :)

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/10/20nissan.html

I Would Walk 500 Hundred Miles....

2009-10-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

No no no don't worry I already turned down American Idol...Just isn't my thing... But, I had so much fun spending time with her at the cabin...She is too freakin cute!!!!!

Lils First Snow Storm

2009-10-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

Today is officially Lily's first snow storm. I remember last year when I was pregnant and looking outside on the first day it snowed and thinking "I can't imagine what life is going to be like one year from now."

And I can honestly say that I am happier than I ever thought I could be. She brings so much joy and happiness to my life that I am so excited to do the same for her!

Happy Winter Everyone...Yes it sucks, but lets look out and embrace the beauty around us :)

"What Light"

2009-10-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

So,

I borrowed Heather's iPod yesterday so I could listen to some new tunes on my way home from work. Knowing I would most likely be in traffic because construction is everywhere...No, seriously, like everywhere!!!!

So, I said to myself

"I am not going to press the next button five hundred times today! Mostly because I was too tired too. But, Yep I am one of those people who always has my iPod on shuffle, but is constantly pressing next because it doesn't matter how great the song is that is playing. I just know a better one is waiting for me somewhere on that playlist of 5, 642 songs. I am going to listen to the very first song that this iPod thinks is what I NEED to hear at this very moment in time"

"What Light" was the first song that started playing and I fell in love from the first tune. I played it over and over and over, with the windows down, sunroof open, (also with heater on high) and the music just blasting! It's insane to me the things I used to take for granted...Just take a listen, it's AMAZING!!!!!

WILCO - "What Light"

What Light

If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along
Just sing what you feel
Don’t let anyone say it’s wrong

And if you’re trying to paint a picture
But you’re not sure which colors belong
Just paint what you see
Don’t let anyone say it’s wrong

And if you’re strung out like a kite
Or stung awake in the night
It’s alright to be frightened

When there’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
Inside of you

If you think you might need somebody
To pick you up when you drag
Don’t loose sight of yourself
Don’t let anyone change your bag

And if the whole world’s singing your songs
And all of your paintings have been hung
Just remember what was yours is everyone’s from now on

And that’s not wrong or right
But you can struggle with it all you like
You'll only get uptight

Because there’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
There’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
There’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
There’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
Inside of you

Andrew Rendo Update

2009-09-07T10:48:00.001-07:00

I just got off the phone with Jason and here is the update:

-Police responded yesterday with helicopters and ATV's. After a long day of searching they found no leads.

-At 12 AM last night police unleashed the search dogs. Dogs did find strong scent from Andrews car then he took a right down a dirt road. He then took a turn and went back into civilization -Peoria, AZ. Dogs lost scent at this location, dogs got distracted by other animals and scent was not as strong. This did however, put Andrew at the scene an then back into civilization.

-Police got detective on the case last night and he is still trying to access bank records, because of the Holiday he is having a hard time getting the access from the bank. Detective is working very hard, but we will most likely not have this information until tomorrow.

-Detective got access to phone records.

Last three calls made were on Thursday after his car was found.

One call was to random number to a male (who Andrew did not know). The guy he called said it was a male rambling then hung up.

Two international calls were made to Mexico, which could indicate phone was stolen because Andrew has no contacts in Mexico.

Hopefully we will know more tomorrow when detective gets access to bank records.

*Thank you EVERYONE for all your help and support. We are trying to keep spreading the word and keep the media involved. * NON of this would have been possible without EVERYONE'S help. A special thanks to Heather- @dooce and Jon- @blurb for being so amazing and helping us get the word out.

Thank you again and I will write an update as soon as anything changes.

"We love you Andrew and can't wait to get the call that you are

safe and sound. "

Media Links

http://www.kpho.com/news/20753523/detail.html

http://www.helpfindthemissing.org/forum/showthread.php?s=4d4232b0b653c57c8f66358280cc961b&p=660119#post660119

http://www.azcentral.com/12news/news/articles/2009/09/05/20090905missing0905-ON-CP.html

http://www.topstoriesphoenix.com/business/missing-24-year-old-andrew-rendo/

http://shoutback.com/metro/phoenix/news/2009/09/06/Family-Of-Missing-Man-Needs-Publics-Help

http://twitter.com/dooce

http://twitter.com/blurb

Worlds Apart :(

2009-07-30T21:04:00.001-07:00

So tonight is the second night that we are attempting to put Lily in her crib. Up until last night she has been co-sleeping with us, last week I got really crazy and she slept in her cradle next to me.

Last night I was a hot mess! And by hot mess I mean I literally cried until the moment we started getting her ready for bed until I went in and got her out of her crib at 4AM.

I never in a million years thought it would be this hard for me. I always knew how much I loved sleeping with her and cuddling her all night but I never knew how much I would miss it...I know what your thinking, why they hell are we doing this then?

Well, I have seen the benefits of children who learn to be able to fall asleep on their own and actual get a good nights sleep.

We are also thinking of the future, Ry and I would love to be able to spend some time alone, maybe sometime this century and we know that if we stick with this we are going to get to have a couple hours every night where we can spend some good old fashion time together...ALONE! that whole alone thing is getting pretty hard to come by these days.

At this moment I have our video monitor plugged in right next to me and instead of watching tv I am now a big fan watching Lily sleep...cry.....sleep....cry...wiggle....cry.....sleep. Not a fan of the crying but I love that I am able to see her, it makes me feel much better (thank you Heather and Jon)

Well I'm actual going to try to get some sleep because she is sleeping soundly at this second and after my sleepless night last night I need me some good REM....And my sleeping Ryan looks so dang cute and I want to cuddle up next to him wrap myself in his arms and watch our baby sleep...Its been a very long time that we have been able to just sleep holding each other...I'm Excited!!! I am one lucky gal!

P.S.

did I mention I miss her :( and even though we are seperated by a tiny hallway I feel like we are worlds apart...and i'm actual watching her sleep....not healthy I'm sure but oh well its getting me through this...kind of

Late Night Fun

2009-07-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have so many pics to share and so many stories but I had to post this video first. She is always in the best mood really late at night when I change her, so I decided to capture the moment. She makes me so happy!!!!

MAN!!! He kills me ....

2009-03-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's Getting Closer and Closer !!!!

2009-03-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm pretty sure I experienced my very first real life contractions last night. I was just minding my own business watching some Leno and I got a pretty intense pressure feeling in my lower back. I also started to get Braxton Hicks pretty frequently. The pressure would start in my lower back and move to my Va Jay Jay and as that would happen my uterus would harden. This went on for about 4o minutes and then I fell asleep.

I can't really describe the feeling I had while this was going on but it was pretty crazy. I just relaxed and took deep breaths. I had such an overwhelming feeling of calmness. I know I probably sound crazy but I just have the best feeling about everything and I really really cant wait for this adventure to start. Yes I have been quite the miserable pregnant lady and I'm sorry (Ry, family and friends) but this has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING! I feel so connected to her lately and I can't wait for that connection to grow and become even stronger...

Sorry enough rambling I just want to say that I am so so so so excited and I can't wait to see my baby girl...In just six to eight more weeks (thats when I'm planning on having her :) ) I will be holding her and kissing her!!!!!! I can't believe she started out as this

and now she is even bigger than this ( this was taken almost seven weeks ago)

LOOK at those lips.....I can't wait to kiss em!!!!!!!

Vista Del Mar

2009-02-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

Taken from my iPhone last night watching the sunset...It has been an amazing week in Laguna...I have missed my family oh so much and I am so excited to see everyone tomorrow !

More at 30 Weeks....Laguna Beach

2009-02-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant today! I really am in the final stretch of this madness...I am getting so excited to see her and hold her I can hardly sleep at night ( no it's not because I have to pee every thirty minutes).

Although I am trying to enjoy my quiet nights I am getting so anxious to meet this little angel of mine...

Sunset...30 Weeks!!!

2009-02-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

Missing You

2009-02-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

28 Week Belly!

2009-02-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

(Thanks for taking the pics Mom and most of all thanks for being so patient with me, you are the most amazing mother anyone could EVER dream of having...You are the best!!!! )

28 Weeks!!!! Oh my goodness....I can't believe it is getting so close...When I think about it, it feels like the time has flown by but ,then when I start thinking about how long I have been pregnant and all the things that have happened it seems like I have been pregnant for like ten years!!!! I have so many things to be grateful for and I know how blessed I am.

But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed today.

Ry and I went to the cabin over the weekend and it was so nice to just spend time alone with him. However, I threw up ALL night Friday and was sick all day Saturday then cried most of the day Sunday.

I was so mad at myself that I couldn't just relax and enjoy that time alone with him. I think the crying was a combination of many things...

knowing we had to go home...

knowing I had another week ahead of me...

knowing I had to clean the cabin...

my anxiety about everything...

I feel bad and I'm sure EVERYONE in my life is sick of hearing my complaining....

mad at myself for not being able to just enjoy the alone time with him..

Yes this post might be contradicting and confusing and I am sorry for that...It's just I know how lucky I am and I am so excited every day is getting closer and closer to when I get to see my baby girl...

But it's just one of those days!! So I'm going to vent for a minute..

I'm tired of my back hurting, I'm tired of getting nauseous, I'm tired of being tired!!!! I'm tired of waiting, I'm scared it's getting so close...( I know I know doesn't make sense)

But I have so many things to look forward to and to be grateful for so I'm doing my best to stay focused on those things.. Thanks for letting me rant...

To sum this all up, All I have to say is

"F you hormones !!!!!!!! "

28 Week Ultrasound

2009-02-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

She makes me so happy!!!!

She definitly has her mommas

lips and her daddy's nose...

They said she is 2.2 pounds

and about 15-16 inches...

She is getting so big!!!!

Ahhh...Cute!

2009-02-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

Words cannot describe how happy Pax makes me...He just smiles and smiles and it brightens up my life...Kandice is doing such an amazing job as a mother and I am so proud of her!

FunFotoFriday

2009-01-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

I love my goose goose!!!!!!

Trying on Aunt Kate's shoes....

26 Weeks!!!

2009-01-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

Cousin Kendall giving Lilly a big kiss...!

Kin and I are really trying to get the feel for

taking these picures..Yes I know we kind of

struggle but we are getting the hang of it.

I'm not a very good model so she has

a tough job...

And here is my model attempt...

I know pretty scary, don't you like

the string hanging down though :)

FunFotoFriday

2009-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Only 100 more days until I get to see my baby girl!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone

25 Weeks!!!!!

2009-01-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

YES.....!!!!!! That is really all I have to say. The last few weeks have been so amazing. Don't get me wrong I have my days but things are getting so much better. I can eat and keep my food down. And it is a luxury I will never take for granted again. I do have a few pregnancy things going on like backache and I get headaches almost everyday but I would take this ANYDAY over what I was feeling the first four or five months.

And it might have a lot to do with the fact that my growing belly gives me the comfort that there really is a baby growing inside me. The comfort that all everything I have been going through is going to bring me a little angel that I get to hold and kiss and fall in love with every single day.. Of course I knew it before but being able to see it definitly makes things seem more real. She is most active late at night and when I first wake up. Laying in bed and watching my belly move and twitch has become the best parts of my day. It's just me and her and I can't wait until it's just me and her and I will be holding her and looking at her beautiful face. Needless to say I have never been so excited and anxious about anything in my entire life!!!!

And my growing belly....Pictures taken by Kindra Kendall

Kiss From An Angel...

2009-01-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

I know I'm silly but it really looks like she reaches up and gives me a kiss...

I'm In Love!!!!!

2009-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend we went to Fetal Fotos and did the 4D ultrasound..It was so amazing!!!!!!!!!

It was so cute she reached her head up and her lips puckered...And she gave momma a kiss... Maybe a kiss to make up for all the kicks and punches she has been giving me lately...

Look at those lips and cheeks!!!!

Little stinker had her arms in front of her face for most of the ultrasound. But, by the end she warmed up and wasn't being so shy... :)

Silly Christmas

2009-01-08T12:50:00.001-08:00

For Christmas my mom bought a bag full of Silly String. It was a blast!!!!! Hopefully Kendall will warm up and join in the fun next year. She sat in the window and watched crying. She was so confused about what we were doing. Thanks mom, you are the BEST!!!!!!!

My Little Sunshine!!!

2009-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

I know I talk a lot of being an aunt and how much it has changed my life but, guess what? I could talk about Kendall and my little PaxE till my face turned blue or purple which ever you prefer. I NEVER EVER imagined it being this much fun...Kendall and Paxton bring so much happiness to my life. And I literally spend every minute I possible can with them. Thanks Kands, Regs, Kristi, and J for making this all possible :)

This video was taken last week when Kristi was sick in the hospital with a horrible kidney infection. Dad, Kands, and I thought we would let her run around for a while hoping it would tire her out...But of course it didn't it made her more hyper... She spun around and around for two straight hours...And it was so funny when she would try to walk after..It was most definitely one of the best hours I have had in a good minute.. I laughed so hard I cried..(literally)

And here is one of my little Smiley Guy taken at the cabin..Sorry for the weird angle Smellian was holding the camera the wrong way... :) This was taken over Thanksgiving and he has grown so much since then but I just love his smile and I could look at it all day long !

23 Weeks... And things are looking up up up!!!!!

2009-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

23 weeks....

I have hit yet another mildstone in pregnancy...! YEAH!!!! I couldn't be happier with how things are going. Let me give a few reasons why...

1. Good days have started to outweigh the bad..

2.The thought of food or eating doesn't make me want to shoot off my big toe (for the most part)

3. I can feel her moving everyday...Which has been one of the most amazing things I have ever felt in my life!

4. I can see her moving which is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in my life...

5. Feeling like I actually look pregnant not just like a fatty...

6. Headaches are not as often..

7. My amazing sister Kin is finally home to share this experience with me...

8. Ryan got a job that

is going to offer the baby health insurance...

9. I got an amazing X-Mas bonus which helped me pay off a large amount of debt..(one step closer to being ready for the little one)

10. Last but NOT least... I only have 17 more weeks until I get to meet my beautiful baby girl :)

I have some fun fun things to post this week so keep checking...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I have a feeling that 2009 is going to be the best year of my life so far...!

Skinny Love

2008-12-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

I just love this song so so much!!! I was watching David Letterman on Friday night and Bon Iver played this song. I literally rewound it like ten times. There isn't a very good video on YouTube of it and this was the best one I found. I hope you enjoy it on this cold winter day... ( P.S. Kin will be on her way home TOMORROW!!!! I can't wait to see her face!!!!)

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

I LOVE X-MAS TIME!!!!

2008-12-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Gaylin (Ry's mom) and Boyd had Ryan and me over for dinner. It was really nice to visit with them. After we went to Ogden Center and looked at the Christmas lights. It was a lot of fun!!!! One of my favorite characters was there and so we got a picture with him :)

My coat is really pushing maximum capacity!

Man I love this kid...He makes me so happy !!!

Sorry for the blurriness..My camera was having a hard time.

Happy Birthday Kands!!!!

2008-12-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

I hope you had a wonderful day yesterday!!! It was fun having everyone go out to eat and spend time together. To bad we had the worst server ever!!!! It's okay your comic relief at the end of the night made everything all better.

I love you so much and I am so proud to say that you are my sister. Thank you for always being here for me and always making me laugh! Watching you become a mother has been one of the most inspirational things I have ever witnessed. You are truly so beautiful on the inside and out....I hope you had a great day! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Here are a few pics from dinner last night at the Red Iguana....

Life......

2008-12-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

Life...
Sometimes life happens and we wonder why things happen and for what reasons. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made and the effect certain choices have had on where I am today. I have always been a true believer in Karma and if you do good things then good things will come your way. And if you treat people well then you will be surrounded by good people. Never before in my life do I believe this more. I have spent my whole life trying to make people happy and trying to make someone else happy. I spent a very long time trying to make someone see who I really was and what I had to offer. And no matter how hard I tried they could never see.

I have had so many wonderful friends come in and out of my life. Some for a short time and some that will be in my life forever. And I have learned something different from each one of these people. And I appreciate and love them for being in my life and helping me through hard times. In my life I have had a really hard time dealing with the loss of friendships, some by my choice, some not, and some just because life happens and things change. People change. I like to hold on to people. But I am learning how to let go. I am learning how to take all the positive things from those people and carry them with me. And letting all the negative things go.

Being pregnant has opened my eyes to so many wonderful things about myself and the people that are in my life. I have learned so much about myself the past couple months. I am so grateful for where I am right now in this very moment. Every choice I have made, bad or good, has led me to this moment. The people that are in my life are in my life because they have a special place in it. I can honestly say that the people I choose to have in my life do nothing but bring me happiness and support. It has taken me a long time to realize the people that don't do that or can't don't deserve to be in my life. The past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. There are things I wish I would have done different or handled different and there are some things I would not change for the world. But my point is it has all led me to where I am today. And as I sit here thinking about the choices I have made, I am so proud of myself.

I can truly say I am proud that I finally stood up and put myself first. Because putting myself first led me to Ryan and this miracle I can feel moving around in my belly. I have never been so in touch with myself and what I want and what is best for me. It took me a very long time to realize that my happiness is the most important thing in my life. And I just want to say I am proud of the choices that I have made. I am proud of who I am and the person that I am becoming!

Wagon Wheel (for Kin)

2008-12-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

I had so much fun hanging out with the family over Thanksgiving. It was really hard not having Kin, Kristi, Kendall, and J there though. We missed them so much!!!! We played lots of cards, ate lots of food and watched lots of Christmas movies. I was still trying to recover from my wisdom tooth so it was really nice being able to relax and enjoy the time off. Here is a little video of everyone missing Kin singing Wagon Wheel. Sorry I know we are not the best singers around. During Dad's thankfuls he mentioned how he can't hear this damn song without crying because he misses Kin so much. And we all agreed that this song makes us think of Kin more than than any other song. Kin I can't wait to see your beautiful face and we are all counting down the days til you get home...( nineteen and counting)

I also would like to take a minute to share all the things that I am thankful for....
Ryan who is the most amazing person I have ever met. He makes me happier than I ever imagined I could be. I feel so honored to say that he is the father of my growing baby inside me. He has stood by me and helped me through every stomach ache every head ache and every crazy mood and I am so thankful that I have him. I love him so o o o o o much!!!!
My family...They have been so supportive and I love them all so much!!!!! My family is the glue that holds my life together. They all hold such an important part in my life and I am so grateful to be surrounded by such wonderful, strong, caring people.
My friends for always checking up on me and making sure that I'm okay....
Heather and Jon because they are so amazing to me. They have done so much for me and I don't know where I would be today without their love and support.
Kendall and Pax because they bring so much happiness to me every single day, they make everything so much better in my life!
And last but not least...My baby girl. . . I can't wait to see her and hold her. I have never been so excited about anything in my entire life. As each day passes I get more and more excited and anxious. I thank God everyday for sending me this angel. She has saved my life in so many ways. We have our big ultrasound today ( the one where they check to make sure everything is okay )and I can't wait to see her in just a couple hours!!!

I know long post...Sorry I have a lot to be thankful for !
Here are a few pictures from our week at the cabin....

I love this picture of Kands and Dad working out...Classic ( they were so mad I was snapping pictures of them)

Okay I know I look terrifying but I was really really sick...And this was my favorite thing I got to do that the cabin. Nap with baby Pax!

Beautiful mommy!

Cutie Pie!
Oh how I love my smellian

Tummy Time!

Me looking a little better drinking some Apple Cider...Yummy

Love Birds

Muah!!!

What a weirdo!

I'm A Girl!!!!!!

2008-11-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

Here she is with her hand up by her face and it looks like she is flashing us the I love You sign...

Everytime we have done an ultrasound she has her thumb in her mouth just sucking away

Here is her full body and also in every ultrasound she has had her feet crossed at her ankles which is crazy because that is always how I sit

And here is the moment we found out she was a girl, it was one of the happiest moments of my life!!!! I can't wait to see her beautiful face and give her a big kiss! The other night I was laying with Kands in bed at the cabin while she was feeding Pax and I had my hand on my tummy because I'm always hoping I will feel her and all of a sudden I felt her move in my lower stomach and it was so amazing!!! So everynight I lay in bed waiting to feel her again...

Sigh

2008-11-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

I have had quite the week....

I was in a car accident and spent all day Wednesday in the ER

I had an infected wisdom tooth removed Thursday

I have been at my cabin with the family all weekend

And I have a dry socket and infection in the whole from my tooth

So today I will probably spend five hours in the Park City InstaCare so they can tell me something I already know

Hopefully they can give me some antibiotics because I'm so worried about the infection....

Kands has my pictures of the baby and Regan is bringing them in a couple days....I can't wait to post the latest pics of the cutest little baby ever!!!!!

New MacBook!!!!!

2008-11-18T15:35:00.000-08:00

Yeaaaaahhhhhh !!!!!!!! I'm so excited....

baby update coming tomorrow :)

Fun Foto Friday

2008-11-14T10:00:00.001-08:00

Soooooooo Cute!!!!! Happy Friday everyone!

(p.s. heard babies heartbeat this morning.... and I have a perma smile on my face )

Apple

2008-11-12T10:33:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am 15 wks and 3 days pregnant. It has been nine weeks since I found out and time has gone by so fast. Although, many of those long days of throwing up seemed like they were never going to end. I am starting to feel so much better and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have always been excited about this baby but, it was hard to show my true happiness because I have been so sick. This week the baby measures about 4 inches long and weighs 2 1/2 ounces. Which is about the size of an apple. Ryan is now referring to the baby as his little apple. We only have three more days until we get to find out what the baby is and I CANT wait!!!!!! During the first ultrasound the baby had it's ankles crossed so I have been talking to baby everyday and trying to convince him/her to make sure they cooperate on Saturday so we can start to really get prepared for this little blessing inside me....I am so excited I can barely contain my excitement!!!!!!

Fun Foto Friday

2008-11-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

I needed a good laugh today....Hope this makes you smile for a minute..I took some really scary pictures of me and Ry and this is what I would look like as a caveman....

And Ry as Perez Hilton....

Halloween Pics

2008-11-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

Picture from Kendall's Media

I didn't have my camera on Halloween but I wanted to share some of the pictures from our fun night so I am using some from Kendall's Media....They are much better than my pictures anyways :) Thanks Kristi and Dad!!!!!

They love their gwamma !

I love Halloween!!!!

EVERYONE...VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!!

2008-10-31T13:52:00.001-07:00

This really put a smile on my face today. Everyone make sure you get out there and VOTE !!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

Now this is really scary!!!!!!!!

And here is Teddy laying on gwampa in his new army outfit I bought him for Halloweeen. He looks so dang cute!!!!!

( I would never let the last picture you see be of Mccain, even if it is Halloween )

Have a great Halloween everyone!!!..Not sure which is scarier Mccain or the doll in the background of this picture!

Heartbreaking

2008-10-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is a very interesting website. Please take a few minutes to look at how other people are living. It's hard to believe it even when you are seeing it with your own eyes. It will really make you appreciate what we have. This makes me think about how extremly grateful I am for my life, my family, and all my blessings. If you have some time explore the site and the different views on how these people are living. I'm not trying to be a downer I just came across this website and it really caught my attention so I thought I would share it.

www.theplaceswelive.com

Fetal Fotos !!!

2008-10-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we went to Fetal Fotos because gwamma wanted a picture of the baby at twelve weeks. She has a picture of Kendall and Pax at twelve weeks so she wants one of my baby too :) It was so much fun because we had lots of family members there with us. Grandma and grandpa Jones, Kristi, Jason, Kendall, and my mom and dad. And of course Ryan was there! It was such an amazing experience because we got to watch the baby for almost ten minutes. It was so much fun to see the baby moving around. I have been so nervous because I have been having a lot of stomach pain and it made me very concerned. Now my nerves are a little more at ease. Me and Ryan have watched the movie over and over. We love to watch it before we go to bed because it makes us both so happy. Here is a little snip clip of the video. The baby had his hands up by his head the whole time. He also had his legs crossed the whole time so I'm going to have to do some convincing so he opens his legs in three weeks when we go back to find out what the sex is. I am still saying he for Ryan but everyone is convinced its a girl. I don't really care I am just so excited its almost time to find out!!!! I hope you enjoy this little sneak peak of our growing baby....

Also here is a still picture. I know its hard to see because its a picture of a picture but if you look hard you can see the arms up by the face, the eyes the cute little chin and the body...

Fun Foto Friday

2008-10-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

healthy and strong -it was love at first sight-40 weeks-mom-dad-lots of fun-motivation-listen 2 your heart-no excuses-may 3- yes-say your prayers everynight-boy?-girl?-moments in time-friends-family-love-miracle-exciting-thrilled-ryan-passionate-thoughts are mirrored in your eyes, keep them beautiful-calm-smile god loves you-the sky is the limit-open up-peace-joy-my first portrait-together-new love

I truly believe in the power of positive thinking. A few days ago I made myself a positive thinking page for my pregnancy. Every morning I look at it and focus on everything I chose to put on it. When I am having a moment of doubt or I'm nervous or scared about something I just close my eyes and imagine all the words and images on my page. I know this is a little cheesy but I had fun making the it and it will be the babies first scrapbook page. If you don't know this already, I LOVE to scrapbook! Cheesy or not I know how powerful our minds are and I know this is going to make a difference...

Just a Thought

2008-10-23T10:21:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine recently wrote about helping people that are less fortunate than us. I have always had a very strong opinion for myself regarding this issue. I remember when I was little and going to the mall with my grandma and mom and seeing the men standing outside ZCMI with signs and torn clothes. I always wondered why there were standing out in the cold, I wondered why they didn't want to go inside where it was warm. Well as I got older I learned who these people were and why they were standing outside inthe cold. I have never been able to pass a homeless person without wanting to give them money or food or what ever I could. I have always felt that if they are standing there begging for money or food then they need my money more than I do. I have been thinking a lot about how grateful I am for what I have and what I have been given in this life. I have always had a place to sleep, food to eat, and a very loving and supportive family. It breaks my heart that some people are born without some of these things.

 After an experience I had a few weeks ago I am saddened to say that I have lost faith in most people in this world. I stood on one of the busiestcorners in Sugarhouse trying to help a handicap woman fix her scooter wheelchair thing and not one person got out of their cars to help me. I even motioned and asked for people to help and they just kept driving as if they didn't see me beckoning for their help. The lady wasstuck on a very steep hill and her scooter was broken. So me being very tired and emotional I called my mom for advice on what to do. Yes I am twenty two years old and my mom is still the first person I call when I need help or advice. My mom told me to call the police and ask for help, good thing I called her because that thought hadn't crossed my mind. So I called the police and they sent help. As I was driving back to work all I could do was cry. I was so torn up about all the people that refused and didn't care to help me. They couldn't take two minutes out of their busy day to help a stranger in need.  Helping people has always been important to me. My mom used to tell me stories about my great grandmother and how she used to welcome homeless people into her home so she could feed them. Ever since I was a little girl this image stuck in my head.

So this morning as I was driving to work I passed a homeless man that I see frequentlystanding on the corner off of 1300 south. And I remembered that I saw a few stray dollars in my purse a few days earlier. So I rummaged through my purse and found four dollars. I know it wasn't much but it was all the cash I had and the smile on his face made my day seem so much brighter. I don't care what he is going to do with that money. Of course I would hope he would spend it on something to eat or a warm drink but I will never know. And honestly I don't care because like my mom always says "what does grandpa say, never to a favor and expect something in return."( or something along those lines)  Sorry about my rambling I'm sure this post doesn't make much sense. But what I was trying to get across was help when you can. Now that it is getting colder outside think about how lucky we are to have a warm place to sleep. I'm not asking that you give your life savings to a homeless person. All I am asking is don't just walk or drive by if someone is in need of some help. Take one minute out of your busy day and do what you can do to help. You will never know what it means to the person in need. And one day when your having a hard time someone will save you in one way or another. So take some time to make someones day better or make someone smile. I promise it will be worth every single second or penny you spent!!!!!

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
"It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it."

ANNE FRANK:
"No one has ever become poor by giving."

BARBARA BUSH:
"Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others."

This One is for Aunt Kin!!!!!

2008-10-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

Baby Pax

Pax is getting sooooooo....ooooo big!!!! Even though I see him almost everyday he seems like he grows an inch everytime I see him. He has begun to try to stand on his own. We think he is going to try to walk before he crawls.

Here is a little song and dance staring Kands and PaxE !!!!

Princess Kendall

Last Friday Ryan and I went with Kristi, Jason, and grandpa to Kendall's Halloween flip party. It was so much fun watching her play on all the slides. She really has no fear what so ever. She runs where she wants to and climbs what ever gets in her way. Here is a video of the first slide she played on.

This was the first slide she attempted but the attempt was interupted by a kid dressed in a skeleton costume with a skeleton mask. Kristi said she started shaking and didn't want to go. After a little convincing and her scoping out the scene to make sure the kid was gone we got her to go on the big slide. It was a hoot watching her run up the slide then quiclky slide down. Ry and I had a blast watching her play!!!!

Kin I can't imagine how hard it is that you have missed these parts of their lives. So I wanted to give you a little snippet of how cute and big they are getting. I know they can't wait for their Aunt Kin to come home and play with them. So hurry up, learn Spanish and get home already. We are all ready to see your beautiful face !!!!!!!!!

Music to my Ears

2008-10-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

We just got back from my second doctors appointment and it went very well. It was so exciting to hear the babies heart beat!!!!! Who would of ever thought something so tiny could bring so much joy, ease, and happiness :)

I was in the ER Friday night due to some very painful stomach issues and of course they found nothing. It was okay because that is exactly how I wanted to spend Ryan's ONE night off. Sitting in the hospital bed watching bad sit coms waiting and waiting. I say bad although Ryan and I love to watch them. Some of our favorites are: Scrubs, Still Standing, Everybody Loves Raymond, Two and a Half Men, and Seinfeild of course (which is always great). So probably typical to what we would have been doing but it would have been on a comfortable couch with lots of popsicles near by and a cozy blanket.

They never really figured out what was wrong with me. They suspected appendicitis but they ruled that out which made me extremly happy. They gave me morphine for the pain (totally baby safe) and it was the least amount of fun I have had in a while. I got and instant headache and a weird feeling throughout my entire body. And not a weird I feel awesome feeling a like what the hell is happening to me kind of feeling. So needless to say, nothing got solved, I got doped up on morphine and hated it and Ry and I spent our night together in the ER. It was so nice to have him there by my side, and Kands and mom came to be with me also and they always makes me feel better.

Although it was not a very fun night in the ER they did do an ultrasound and we got to see the baby. It was insane because baby has grown so much. He was moving around and waving his (im going to use his/him/he because daddy is convinced its a boy so until further notice baby is a he) little arms and legs around. This was the first time Ryan has seen the baby so it was an amazing experience to have together. After they did the ultrasound I felt much better and my nerves calmed down a bit. So I would have to say the night in the ER was definately worth our little sneak peak of our angel :)

This is what baby looks like at eleven weeks inside my uterus....

Fun Foto Friday

2008-10-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

This picture puts the biggest smile on my face!

Happy Friday Everyone

I was going to wait til next week to publish this post but, I'm missing Kin a lot today and I want to let her know how much I love her.

Ryan (Kindra's main man) came to Kandice's for a bbq last Monday and he brought a disk with all the pictures from the trip he took to visit Kin. It was so amazing to see her and see where she has been living and spending her time. I think I can say without any question that Kin might be the one child in our family that could randomly pack up one day and move to another country without blinking an eye. This is one of the things I admire most about Kindra and I am so happy that she is able to have this experience. She deserves every minute of it. But yes I won't lie, I CANT wait til she gets home. Not having her here while I have been going through this has been very hard for me. Kindra and I have a very unique and special relationship and I cherish it will all my heart. I love her so so much!!!

Here are a few of my favorites from the pictures that Ryan shared with us.

Peacefully drinking a glass of wine....

Kin parasailing...What a daredevil she has become!

Kin's apartment....

Stairs to Kin's apartment....

Kin and Ryan....

My beautiful sister....I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surprise!!!!

2008-10-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

Although most of you who check my blog already know my crazy news I have been given permission to announce it. The reason I was unable to before this was because Ry wanted to tell his mom before I wrote about it. Well here it goes....

About four weeks ago I decided to take a pregnancy test. Reasons for this.... I had been throwing up every day after every meal for oh about a month, very very very tender and sore boobs ( in Kendall's words buddies), I was an emotional wreck, and oh ya i was late for my period! I was at work and I was talking to my boss about the situation and she told me she had a test and she wanted me to take it as soon as we got home. So as soon as we went home she gave me the test and I went downstairs to take it. I wasn't even nervous, I really didn't think I was pregnant. As soon as the lines appeared I knew but I didn't have the box so I was not sure so I ran upstairs to ask my boss. With my very shaking hand I handed her the test, and her face did something I have never seen it do before. She told me it was positive and I didn't believe her so I jumped on my computer and googled EPT pregnancy test. And sure enough that little stick was reading positive.

The first thing I did was call my mom she was at the hospital with Kandice and Kandice answered the phone. I was freaking out to say the least. My mom was amazing she calmed me down (as much as she could) and then I called Kristi and told her. Kandice and Pax were still in the hospital and we were all trying to recover from that so this was a lot to swallow. I sat on the couch at work and my mind was going over a hundred miles per hour. I had so many questions running through my mind. What were we going to do? How were we going to save enough money? What was I going to do about work? I literally could not think straight for a couple hours. One thing I wasn't confused about is why I had been throwing up everything I put in my mouth for the past five weeks.

I was lucky enough to be able to leave work to go talk to Ryan and tell him. It was driving me crazy and I knew I needed to tell him as soon as possible. He had the day off which was a miracle in itself, so I drove to his apartment. On the way there I cried and cried trying to figure out how I was going to tell him his life was about to change forever. I wasn't nervous about his reaction or what he was going to say I was nervous about what he wasn't going to say. We sat down on his bed and I started crying and I told him. Being the amazing person he is he couldn't of reacted better. He made me feel so much better reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. Telling me how much he loved me and reassuring me that we will get through this.

Okay so there is the story about how I found out....Next came the worrying, oh my goodness the worrying. I started to worry about every thing you could ever think of. I worried about things I didn't even know you could worry about. The thing that scared me the most was the cramps I had been having the week before. So every time I would feel anything in my stomach I would obsess about if it was a cramp or not. So after about a week of torture I decided to go to the ER and make sure everything was okay. Kristi came with me which helped me a lot because I was very nervous.

One of the things that I was struggling with the most had nothing to do with me or my life. I never once thought what has happened to my life or anything like that. I was so upset because I have been dreaming of this time in my life since I was a little girl. I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids, loved taking care of them and making them happy. I had a very set plan in my head how this was going to happen for me. I wanted to be financially ready so that I could give my baby everything it needed and more. I wanted to be at a place in my life where I felt like I was ready to give everything I could give. I have always had health issues and I wanted to do everything I could to change that and be as healthy as I could be when I became pregnant. I wanted to know that I would be able to stay at home with my baby and spend those precious few years with him/her at home just us. I have always dreamed of my child birth, I always knew I wanted to have my children natural. Knowing that all this wasn't going to happen the way I dreamed of it was tearing me up.

My heart was beating out of my chest as I was lying in the hospital bed waiting for the doctor to start the ultrasound. I wasn't expecting to see much because I knew I was only five or six weeks along. I was staring at the screen and all of a sudden I saw something that changed my life forever. I saw a tiny heartbeat, beating very rapid. (The picture above is the first picture I saw of my precious baby and I will cherish it forever) I couldn't believe that it was beating inside of me. Pregnancy has always been so interesting and amazing to me but now that it was happening to me I really felt like I was the first person in the world to ever experience this miracle. I fell head over hills in love the moment I saw that tiny heart beating. Before this moment it had all felt like a dream and I didn't know when I was going to wake up.

Right then I realized something. Even though this didn't happen the way I had it all mapped out in my head didn't mean I couldn't have the same experience I have always wanted. I had everything I needed to be able to do this. I had someone that I loved more than anything in this world. Someone who I would be proud to say was the father of my children. Someone I knew would always be here for me and always be here for our baby. I know I have everything this baby could ever need. I have the most amazing supportive family, a wonderful job and great friends. But most of all this baby is going to have me. And I'm in total control of my body and my mind. I am going to do everything I can to be healthy and give this baby the best possible life I can give. I have never felt so important in my whole life, I have never been so excited and scared about something. I know that this is going to be one hell of a ride and I can't wait for every hill we have to climb because I know that we will climb it together.

I am very excited to share this with everyone and now I get to write about all the happy, exciting, hard and very nerve racking times of being pregnant.

Thank you mom for being the most amazing supportive person in this entire world.Thank you Kristi, Kandice, Jami, and Grandma for being here for me when I need you the most. I love you all so much and I am so excited to bring another bundle of joy into this wonderful family!!!!!!!

Most of all thank you Ry for everything! Thank you for making every day easier and always making me smile. You are the love of my life and I can't for this amazing adventure together.

Fun Foto Friday

2008-10-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

I took these pictures with my iPhone so they are a little blurry. A couple nights ago my mom and I were at Kand's helping her with the baby because Regs was working late. It was almost time for his 11:00 PM feeding and I was rocking him I just happened to notice Kandice's priceless hairdo. We were all pretty delirious because Pax had just peed all over me, my mom, the wall, the floor, himself, and his changing table. It was quite the show. But anyhoo I just had to snap a couple of pictures of my mom and Kandice because they were cracking me up. It was a very fun night !!!!

We have too much fun together....Seriously check out the doo

This was supposed to be their Zoolander face...

Now I know I brag and talk a lot about my family but its my website so I can do what ever I want to :) My mom is without a doubt an angel sent straight from God. She amazes me every single day with how much love and support she gives every one of us. It doesn't matter if she is sick or tired she pushes herself over and over just so she can be there for us. She has been at Kandice's every day she has needed her, helping her and keeping her company. She always knows what to do in every situation. No matter what crisis I am going through without a question in my mind she is the first person I call for help and advice. And she always always knows what to say or do to make me feel better. I know how blessed I am to have such an amazing woman in my life. I can't wait for the day I get to see her hold and kiss my baby!

True Friends

2008-09-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

I truly believe the friendships we gain and maintain in this life are one of lifes true blessings. I have been lucky enough to stay in contact with certain people that have had an enormous impact on my life. No matter how long its been since we last talked or how different our lives are there is one thing that will never change between true friends. The bond that you form never fades. You can always pick up where you left off.

Last week while Stac was in town a bunch of us girls got together and went out to dinner. Like always we had a blast talking and laughing about funny memories from the past. Sitting at dinner I felt like we were in junior high or high school again. We have so much fun with each other. Each one of these girls has touched my life in a different way and I am so grateful to know such strong and beautiful woman. It was so much fun to hear about how everyones lives have changed and what everyone has been up to. I love them all so much and I am so happy that are all still in my life....

Obsessed Auntie

2008-09-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yes I am very aware that I am extremely obsessed with my niece and my nephew. To be completely honest though they are to blame for a big chunk of my happiness every single day, so why shouldn't I be. When I am in the presence of these two beautiful angels I forget about everything that causes me stress. I forget about the bills I have to pay. The things I am supposed to do. The money I wish I had. Having them, having this relief is sometimes the only thing that helps me get by.

Not only have they brought me so much happiness they have shown me a completely different side of both of my sisters. I am watching them become beautiful, caring, and compassionate mothers and I am so proud to be apart of this family. Needless to say I'm obsessed and I'm damn proud!!!!!

( sorry to those who may not enjoy this obession but this is where I get to talk about the things that make me happy and more often then not. It's these little tikes !)

I was able to spend a few hours with Kands and Pax on Saturday before Kendall's birthday party. I held him while he slept and I think I was holding my phone for at least twenty minutes trying to capture some of the funny faces he pulls. I definitely got a few.....

yes everyone he sleeps with one eye open

a little surprised when he woke up and he saw aunt Kate not mommy

but as you can see not at all disappointed :)

And my baby Kendall....Oh do I love her so so much!!!!! I can't believe she just turned two!

Just like her momma

Fun Foto Friday

2008-09-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

I Miss you girls!!!!!

One of the best nights of my life.....I'm not sure what is up with my face though

Missing You!!!!

2008-09-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

Its only been six days since you have been gone and it seems like its been a lifetime. I never dreamed in a million years I would miss you so badly. I knew that I would miss you, but I was so happy for you that I didn't realize how hard this would be. I wake up at least five times a night and reach over to grab your arm that isn't there. During the night when I wake up and I reach over and touch you, you automatically turn towards me and hold me. I'm pretty sure you don't even wake up you just do it.

Even though we are unable to spend much time together during the week, because we have opposite work schedules, it feels a lot different now that your gone. Our time together at night and in the mornings have always been so special to me. It's the time we get to just be us, and laugh and goof around. It's like nothing else in this world matters when it's just me and you. I'm sorry for all my crazy antics lately, I know I'm emotional and I'm sorry. Thank you for just being her for me and reassuring me that everything is going to be okay. I know it will but it's so nice to hear you say it. It gives me comfort when I am having one of my momments.

I am so happy that you are having so much fun with your sister and nieces. Thank you for calling me this morning. I think you read my mind because I really needed to talk to you. I can't wait to see you in just three short days!!!! Have fun at the beach. I love you so so much and so so much more!!!!!!!

Best Day Golfing Ever!!!!!

I love You!!!!!!!

2008-09-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Kev~

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for the pain you are going through.

Kevin it has almost been a year since we met and I will never be able to explain how much happiness you have brought to my life. You helped me get through one of the hardest times of my whole life. Thank you for always making me laugh and always being here for me. When I think back on this last year I have so many amazing memories with you. You are my all time number one karaoke partner and dance partner no matter what!!!! Kevin I love you so much and I know that you will always be in my life (if you like it or not). You are a strong person and I know you can get through this. It's going to be hard but I hope you know that Ry and I are ALWAYS here for you and we love you so so much!!!!!!!

Holy Cow!

2008-09-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

Gwamma, Gwampa, Ryan and I took Kendall to the fair on Saturday. It wasn't quite like I remembered it when I was little. I'm guessing this is because when your little you don't pay close attention to the people that surround you. Your more worried about if your going to get to go down the huge slide or if mom is going to buy you a caramel apple. This is one thing I miss greatly about being a kid. Sometimes I wish I could go back to this way of thinking, but of course it's not possible. As we grow older and wiser (well some of us ) we become more aware of our surroundings and the people that surround us. The fair is most definitely the ultimate place to people watch. Man was is scary!!!!!

Is this considered animal abuse? This cow weighed nearly 3,000 pounds!!!

I love that she is never scared of anything. She walked up to all the animals and lightly (sort of) padded them on the head.

Fun Foto Friday

2008-09-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yuck!

Man I have too much fun with this dang kid!!!!!

Bear Lake

2008-09-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

I had a blast the night we went to Bear Lake for Loni's wedding. Kristi, Elian, RJ, and Fasha did a wonderful job capturing all the highlights of the wedding, and I had lots of fun doing Loni's makeup for her. Then we all had fun drinking beer and walking to the lake. Well we it was a struggle but we finally made it there. I have not laughed that hard in a really long time. I didn't feel very good the next day ( I actually threw up on the drive home) but it was worth it. That will be my last drunken night for a long long time. And I couldn't be happier about this night being my last for a while. It was loads of fun!!!!!

Here are some pics from the wedding.....

Brewvies+DNC+Tequilla Shots=FUN FUN FUN

2008-09-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

One of the best nights of my life!!!!!

Kristi and Grandma waiting in Brewvies for the DNC to start.....

Isn't she GORGEOUS!!!!!

Grandma enjoying Obama in the background

I had so much fun spending time with my grandma and my big sis. We had so much fun drinking beer and eating while watching the DNC. Then after that we made our way to Jersery's (a sports bar next to Brewvies) where we proceeded to drink. It was so much fun! I was privileged enough to see my grandma take her first shot ever! She swears she is never drinking again but we will see. I have a feeling everyone will be getting wasted in celebration when they announce Obama as president of the United States of America!!!!!!

Fun Foto Friday

2008-09-05T09:19:00.001-07:00

My Ry Guy....

I'm going to miss hanging out at my grandmas pool just relaxing with you... Laying out while you practice your dives....Thank you for always making me smile....You bring so much happiness into my life every single day.... Thank you for driving out to see me even when you have been at work for sixteen hours just because you know I want to lay with you. ...I know that we will make it through what ever this crazy world throws at us..... I am so thankful that you are in my life!!!! I love you so so much!!!!

This picture just makes me smile !!!!

Mammas Arms

2008-09-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to the hospital and baby Paxton is doing so much better. He was opening his eyes, sucking a pacifier, and they have started feeding him Kandice's breast milk through his feeding tube. I am so proud of him for being so strong and fighting through this. And I am so proud of Kandice and Regan, they are going to be amazing parents and I can't wait til they get to take their baby home!

proud mamma & daddy

man Im already a sucker for this grin

Baby Paxie

2008-09-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Just like his cousin Kendall baby Pax could not wait any longer to see his aunt Katey so he decided it was time to leave mommas belly. I was woke up at 2:00 am Saturday morning by a very scared paniched grandma. Kandice's water had broke, Kandice was thirty five weeks along. So I jumped out of bed kissed Ryan goodbye and waited for Kristi to pick me up. After we arrived at the hospital they informed us that Kandice was going to be taken in for a c-section at 5:30 am. Kandice was so brave and so strong. With her sweetheart Regan holding her hand Kandice was wheeled off to the OR. We waited praying and hoping that everything was going to be okay. We didn't get to see baby Paxie because he was taken straight to the NICU because he was having a hard time breathing. Saturday and Sunday were very rough days, Paxie was so tired and fighting so hard to breathe. Things seemed to be getting worse when a miracle happened.

A very Exhausted and Sick momma wheeled down to see her baby boy late last night. As soon as he was in his mommas arms he was at peace. Ever since that momment he has been getting stronger and stronger. Luckily I have the day off and Ry dropped me off early this morning so I could help Kands get showered. After that we were able to take Kands down to see her baby boy. Seeing Kandice hold her baby was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. The bond between a mother and her child is the most remarkable thing in this world.

Once again I have witnessed true greatness from all the women in my life.

My mother who has not left Kandice's side, even though she is tired and sick

My beautiful sister Kristi who has become an amazing mother

My grandma and aunts

I am so blessed to be apart of such a strong and supportive family.

Look At Those Feet!!!!! He's gonna be a soccer player

He was so scrunched in mommas belly

face of an angel

Find Your Ness!!!!

"Go On"

Experience

~Family~

I-Identity

"thirty two flavors" by Ani DiFranco

"overlap" by Ani DiFranco

L.I.F.E.

Best Cousins For LIfe !

The Trappers

no mas dating para me

......

Today is my New Years.....

Happy 6 Months to ME !!!!!!

After The Storm

loving me....

Day 154....!!!!

i must be doing something right.....

100910-15:21

Happy 90 Days To Me !!!!!!!!! "I RULE"

~kendall~

road....

Hi, My Name is Katey.....

Haystack My first day

OVER-WHELMED....

XPOSE Photography !!!!

Life

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!!!!!

Me....

Boudoir Studio by Kendalls Media

Hey ladies,

Message me if you are interested, V-Day is coming up..Just sayin! Shhhhhh :)http://www.lovelettersonlunchnapkins.blogspot.com/

Happy 2010 Everyone!!!

DAY 196

DAY 195

Kendalls Media

DAY 194

DAY 193

To The Greatest Family In the WORLD!!!!

Kendalls Media

WE Miss You!!!!

Lily meet Lily

It's Fall !

I Would Walk 500 Hundred Miles....

Lils First Snow Storm

"What Light"

Andrew Rendo Update

Worlds Apart :(

Late Night Fun

MAN!!! He kills me ....

It's Getting Closer and Closer !!!!

Vista Del Mar

More at 30 Weeks....Laguna Beach

Sunset...30 Weeks!!!

Missing You

28 Week Belly!

28 Week Ultrasound

Ahhh...Cute!

FunFotoFriday

26 Weeks!!!

FunFotoFriday

25 Weeks!!!!!

Kiss From An Angel...

I'm In Love!!!!!

Silly Christmas

My Little Sunshine!!!

23 Weeks... And things are looking up up up!!!!!

Skinny Love

I LOVE X-MAS TIME!!!!

Happy Birthday Kands!!!!

Life......

Wagon Wheel (for Kin)

I'm A Girl!!!!!!

Sigh

New MacBook!!!!!

Fun Foto Friday

Apple

Fun Foto Friday

Halloween Pics

EVERYONE...VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!!

Message me if you are interested, V-Day is coming up..Just sayin! Shhhhhh :)
http://www.lovelettersonlunchnapkins.blogspot.com/